A real person, a lot like you
2010-03-31
My friend Sara has run a small online business out of her living room for 12 years. It's her whole life. She takes it very very personally.
Last week, one of her clients sent her a 10-page-long scathing email, chopping her down, calling her a scam artist and other vicious personal insults, saying she was going to sue her for everything she's worth as retribution for her mis-handled account.
Devastated, Sara turned off her computer and cried. She shut off the phones and closed up shop for the day. She spent the whole weekend in bed wondering if she should just give up. Thinking maybe every insult in this client's letter was true, and she's actually no good at what she does, even after 12 years.
On Sunday, she spent about five hours - most of the day - carefully addressing every point in this 10-page email, then went through the client's website, learning everything about her, and offered all kinds of advice, suggestions, and connections. She refunded the client's money, plus an additional $50 with gushing deep apologies, for ever having upset someone she was honestly trying to help.
The next day after sending the email and refund, she called the client to try to talk through this with her.
The client cheerfully took her call and said, “Oh don't worry about it! I wasn't actually that upset. I was just in a bad mood, and didn't think anyone would read my email anyway.”
My friend Valerie was doing online dating.
She was half-hearted about it. She wanted a magic perfect man to sweep her off her feet through divine serendipity.
We were at her computer, when I asked her how it's going. She logged into her account and showed me her inbox. Eight new messages from men, each one well-written, saying what they liked about her profile, how they have a mutual interest in hiking, or also speak German, asking her if she's also been to Berlin, or have hiked in New Zealand.
I felt for those guys. Each one pouring out his heart, projecting his hopes onto Valerie, hoping she'll reply with equal enthusiasm, hoping she might be the one that will finally see and appreciate him.
She said, “Ugh. Losers. I get like ten of these a day,” and clicked [delete] on all of them, without replying.
When we yell at our car or coffee machine, it's fine because they're just mechanical appliances.
So when we yell at a website or company, using our computer or phone appliance, we forget it's not an appliance, but a person that's affected.
It's dehumanizing to have thousands of people passing through our computer screens, so we do things we'd never do if they were sitting next to us.
It's too overwhelming to remember that at the end of every computer is a real person, a lot like you, whose birthday was last week, who has three best friends but nobody to spoon at night, and is personally affected by what you say.
Even if you remember it right now, will you remember it next time you're overwhelmed, or perhaps never forget it again?
thanks!
great post man, and so true
I love this blog!
The saying goes that you get more bees with honey. It's quite true that you have to think before you react in any situation. I personally refuse to let anyone's negativity or poor attitude affect what I do.
Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts, Derek. An important lesson, very well said.
Thanks Derek
As curator of the second-largest TEDx event in history (TEDxBerkeley), I've been dealing with dozens of variants of the above stories in recent weeks. Some I feel I've handled well - others, not so much.
Wrote a blog post of my own on it as well. It's good to remind ourselves that real people occupy the other end of our missives.
Nice post. Whatever we can do to realize being human is - at its emotional best - the ability to empathize with others, gosh, let's please do it. So often when we tear apart some stranger, its our own projected inner wounds screaming **how sick we are.** It has little to nothing to do with the situation of the moment, but our own not-right state of being. This, and we probably are not getting enough sleep (one of the great hatemaking tools I am convinced).
Find the present, dear friends. Meditate there. Realize we are surrounded by Love.
Great post Derek! Many people dismiss this behaviour with quick excuses like "it's just business", however it's vital to always remember that it's still a PEOPLE-run business.
Yup. I have learned this lesson the hard way. Typing an email or reply while the emotions are flowing is always a bad idea. This is one of the biggest issues with the internet, everyone hiding behind a cloak of anonymity, taking out their anger on others simply because they can without any worry of retribution.
Now more then ever you need to have thick skin cause it seems the majority of people are just waiting to take the piss out of you for no reason. Nothing like a good reminder to keep peeps in check ;-)
Anyways, good to see some blogs/articles coming through from you Derek. Always appreciate the realness.
Cheers!
People are hideous. People are awesome. Selah.
Thank you for this reminder. I wish I remembered the book, but I remember reading a quote that really hit me in a Kurt Vonnegut novel, along the lines of "What the world needs is less love and more human decency." I don't know about the less love part, but it's so easy to forget the impact of seemingly small actions towards others, for good or for bad.
Beautiful thoughts, Derek!
Too true, and painfully obvious.
this is a very encouraging and sobering blog. thanks derek.
Derek
I think consideration could be in two ways:
1. Thoughtful outgoing messages
The general advice for netiquette that I always try and keep in mind is to only type things that you'd be able to say face to face to a stranger.
2. Depersonalising incoming messages
Unfortunately, there's always going to be people don't do the above. People who can't be bothered to change, are under too much pressure, aren't aware of the possible problems or are just having a bad day.
Sometimes it's also easy to misread emails and people can come across as insulting when they didn't mean to be at all.
That means we all need to be able to take horrible emails from time to time and practice not taking it personally.
Joel Spolsky's advice when it comes to customer support is to imagine the insult is being hurled at a doll which you control, but it's the doll who's taking the insults, not you. That detaches you from the negative fallout that could result.
Thanks for a post reminding us that there are humans at the end of these devices.
Great post, Derek! Reminds us all to be grateful that we have human connections, even if they are only folks we know on a virtual level.
it all come down to people and kindness...live from your heart and don't let your head talk you out of it.
too funny/ironic derek. this is exactly why i only send video emails! personal, emotional, and far less susceptible to misunderstanding. text is cold, boring and impersonal...
Again, a true message of life ! I feel like internet is taking everyone away from each others, even if we feel like we're "connected" day and night.
Thanks for the post.
Mathieu
is the lesson not look before you leap? yes if you let it affect you personally then you're going to do irrational things.
I wouldn't have been so fast to offer anything and would have first addressed the points in the email restoring not only my confidence in my own abilities and knowledge of my industry, but also re-affirming to the client that I do in fact know my job. If you have no confidence in YOU then what you chance do you have of selling YOU
Derek:
This blog should be called COMPASSION 3.0! Thx for sharing.
simply put...'do unto computers as you would have them do unto you'
Nice one! -- Derek
rada
I pay cash whenever possible. I don't have a facebook page. I don't own a cell phone, or a TV. I have a large garden and keep bees. I use technology mostly to help me with my music and writing, but I don't bank or pay bills on line. I know the bank tellers names. People thing I am out of touch with reality.
Yes, that first story resonates with me big time. Only once in 4 years, but it made an impression.
Too true, and a pretty sad point, in a lot of ways. It's such a shame that so many people turn so quickly to expressing so much negativity from behind the shelter of their computer screens.
Just look at any given YouTube comment section, it's so depressing. I wonder why people find it necessary to be so hateful on the internet?
Once a long time ago when I was young and beautiful, I dated an older man and he told me that, "No two relationships in life are EVER the same" ...BOY was he right! Don't blame one bad date on the entire human race.
@Derek -- related -- this reminds to share with you and others a list my friend/author, Troy Ygnacio Soriano, posted on his facebook: How to be Relentlessly Happy:
http://www.facebook.com/notes/how-to-be-relentlessly-happy/how-to-be-relentlessly-happy-the-original-list-by-troy-ygnacio-soriano/10150156947970128
peace-
seanrox
So true.
Including a gift of grace every time you communicate is quite practical. The love you receive is equal to the love you give..
Hi Derek !
Wonderfully true and sound advice - One can never forget how in the end, it's all about human beings interacting with one another, and not just numbers and zero's and ones.
This will probably become quite a fun scenario in the future, one in which everybody will spend more time with computers then human beings (on average). Let's hope, and raise our glasses, to the idea that we'll never completely loose touch with human beings.
In closing, yet another proof that Digital is cool, but analog is better. ;)
That's the plight, D. Good lessons in all this, though. Don't be the ranter/de-humanizer, reply directly and personally to our followers and/or let the crap roll off your back even though it hurts. It's a balanced response for those of us who put it out there to the world online and are trying to change the world. I'm trying to be golden and treat others how I want them to treat me. Tough lessons, but we're all human. Good reminder. Thanks....drew
I was only talking about this today to a friend. Recently, in my home town, facebook became a place for local people to air their views about a planning issue. It didn't take long for people who know each other well, to start saying hurtful things and derogatory remarks to each other. Bizzare, but many people forget that typing something to someone really is a personal thing. Although it was all within a virtual environment, the effects were real. Good post indeed ... and lets not forget its a virtual world sometimes, but all the people are real.
Thanks, Derek, for the reminder. We should never become complacent about thoughtfulness and consideration.
-Cat
Derek, that was one of my favorite of your writings. As they say, it's really what we learned in kindergarten, but it seems we're such a stressed out society that we've lost our sense of respect for each other - and ourselves, actually.
I wrote on my monthly website rambling this month about two people I overheard in a coffee shop, one accusing the other of cruel behavior, then the soft and touching healing that happened between them as the whole room listened. I was surprised at how many people read it and let me know it resonated in their own lives.
Thank you for sharing what you did. At it's most basic level, we just need to share good will. That's what I thought of when I read your message today. Thank you. Michael
As always Derek, well done. Hopefully more people on the net will realize this and learn to think first.
"Common Courtesy" is not part of todays life style... sadly, its been gone for many years...
wonderful anecdotal essays. I am old man and not too up with the internet anyway, but i did identify with the content none the less.
I've been selling office furniture in NYC for the last 29 years. I work very hard for my clients and most of them appreciate the service. With computers being such a large part of the way we communicate I have noticed that clients WILL say things in an email that they would never say to my face. I still call them daily and try to do my business face to face because as an "old school" guy I think that way works better for me and in the end --for them!
This is fantastic advice! Compassion is key!
Now everyone please check out my new music video that I made myself, teehee. Hope it makes you happier than you were before you watched it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mNHNMaprNr8
thanks for this! i am the "front lines" for customer responses to an online map service and i almost can't believe how discourteous and even downright rude people can be in e-mails. that very thought ("i'm a person, too") goes through my head every time i read a really scathing comment. then i take a deep breath, remember that the sender of the email is ALSO a person and reply as helpfully as possible.
thanks again!
Nobody wants to ask about the bananas? I want to ask about the bananas but I don't want to take away from the message in this post.
I guess I'll leave it at that and say thank you Derek for reminding us all about unfortunate disconnect some people experience when communicating with other humans through machines...
Thanks for that! It was spot on.
PS: All due respect, Derek - were you able to talk to Valerie and explain to her how her poisonously dismissive attitude inadvertently hurts so many earnest guys?
I've become a lot more picky about my friends as I've gotten older, and someone who persists in that sort of thoughtless behavior would probably not get much of my time.
The folk you meet on the way up are the same folk you meet on the way down.
Or, as Sun Tzu said, treat your prisoners well because in the next war they might be your captors.
These are the kinds of stories that should be read by Tom Brokaw or whomever on the primetime news in between stories on deadly Drone missile attacks in Afghanistan and Tiger Woods' handicap even in rehab.
Thank you Derek. Happiness really is mindfulness in all our affairs. Thank you for reminding me of that.
Ya know this happens to me from time to time and I cannot help but feel like Sara. Questioning my every move and what could I have done differently.
I mentioned once to a friend that if I can please 98 people out of 100, I somehow cannot help but be affected by the 2 that were not pleased with me and guess what his responce was? ZERO in on the 98 and be thankful that it's not the other way around! Touche!
thx Derek,
you are so right, with every word! thx for reminding us!
It may be naive of me to think so, but I feel pretty certain that I never succumb to the misconception that there is no human on the other end of the device I'm using.
I always find myself cringing when I'm with or near someone who seems to forget it.
Nobody, no matter how incompetent, idiotic, or rude, is made up of only those qualities.
It's simply a matter of knowing the right language (intellectual or emotional) needed to communicate with each person in terms of getting a desirable response. If that fails, perhaps we need to re-evaluate our own approaches, instead of complaining.
Hi Derek,
I usually like your posts. But this one is quite disappointing.
How did that feel initially? Perhaps it drew you in perhaps it put you off?
The truth is I like this post and I have been looking into the effects of disappointment for many years as I am often disappointed, I figured I might as well examine my everyday experiences more closely.
I would guess that my initial response criticizing your post was disappointing and curious.
Likewise I find that many times some of us put even more effort into our presentations and perhaps even more of our aspirations into solicitations via the Interwebs.
The no-talent pseudo indie rock band I represent in New York City are just that type. Every day I mention someone has listened, commented or "loved" their music... they are sure their big break will be the following day.
And the opposite is true for negative criticism. Anything negative... the band almost instantaneously breaks up for a day or so. It is really pathetic. So pathetic, I've begun to lie to them merely to control their moods. And it works!
This is all to say, that I prefer human interaction I agree that the Interweb communication desensitizes us. However, I do believe that the hope and desire we carry with human interaction remains the same and perhaps increases with some forms of electronic communication.
This is bad, because on one hand, the receiving end perhaps, a person is desensitized, apathetic and non-attentive to the long list of solicitations and pleas for everything from love to vintage clothing.
On the other hand the sender unless a career spammer has every bit of hope and anxiety as if they were sitting in a record label lobby with their best 3 songs on a CD-R, about the make their first presentation to someone who matters - in their world.
I find it sad, and I apologize for the long post but you should feel honored - I mean that in the most humble way. After all I am an expert journalist and descendant of Austrian nobility.
-Aufhausen
I think many people spend loads of time protecting themselves from vulnerability and once it's tested we can go to pieces. However, once we start embracing that side of ourselves we can be at peace.
These are words to live by, especially in this age of technology and virtual communication (or miscommunication). We need to maintain consideration for others as we would like to be treated.
Is the girl at the end of the post Valerie ?
If so, judging by the pic she seems pretty top shelf. I think she can get a pass on deleting 10 guys
Comments maybe easy to post on sites like youtube etc, but they can actually hurt some people's self esteem beyond repair. Let's be considerate, even when we're having a bad day.
Great reminder of precisely why I try never to answer business emails pre-coffee. Thanks!
When I called customer service ranting about my grossly over-estimated power bill for February(it snowed; no one wanted to hike over the hill to read our meter...understandable,) I recited to the customer service agent--who was in Alabama while I live someone near Cincinnati--the many excuses meter readers give for not reading our meter. When I asked her "how hard can it be to find our meter when they have a map with the exact location?" She looked up our specs on her screen(in Alabama, remember) and quoted the directions back to me. "I think I could find it, ma'am." At each reason I cited, she laughed harder. I could hear her snorting through the phone. After a long sigh, she told me that I had absolutely made her day. The fact that she listened to my complaint made me feel better, and I guess the fact that some of the excuses were so absurd made her laugh. Especially the one "dog in the road." A meter reader had cited that reason a year after our dog died.
Sometimes just remembering that we are all human can make a bad situation better. Or certainly seem less important.
One of my favorite, simple quotes about living life: "Be excellent to each other." Pretty much covers it
Of course the next part, "And party on dudes!" - always a fab bonus.
Thanks for the food for though, Derek!
Right on, Derek. Years ago I used to give myself permission to be rude to tech support people on the phone and via email, to take out my frustrations with their company's software products on them, as if they were personally to blame for the bad day I was having.
These days I try to balance out those past bad acts by being as nice as possible in those situations, particularly during phone calls. I try to remember that their previous caller could have been as big of an ass as I've been in the past.
I don't remember exactly what sparked that shift in my behavior and attitude. I suspect that for some of your readers a similar shift will happen as a result of your post.
Thanks!
Derek, Thanks so much for your thoughts. I think we all could use a compassion reminder every now and again. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. So simple!
Everything in life is relationship.. there is no "other;" we are all the same energy. Everything we say and do has an effect, and every little gesture matters.
I have a very good friend whom I lovingly refer to as my Life Editor. She is a sounding board for all of my pet grievous-es and whacked out energy zapping, daily mind-spinning waves of weirdness that encroach upon me at any given time within the context of "Business". My friend has the ear of a Goddess and she can listen and calmly remind me that perhaps sending that rage filled email at this moment isn't the best path... or that perhaps the reason some took my head off was because they are really having bad time of it and I was,no more than, in their way.She doesn't live me, she's in the States and I'm in Ireland, but I can sense my good's friend positive outlook sweeping across the ocean at me and hence,I am a better person for knowing her.She radiates love. And so often I ask myself when the ties that bind begin to twist the life out of my arms... " What would love do?" And I stop myself from putting a bag over their head. Thanks Derek.
Great post Derek. Thanks for spreading joy. peace, Clarke
Remember, computers are people too!!!
(And if you doubt this, just ask the person reading this message).
I think we talked about this once.
I've been concerned about how it feels like etiquette has broken down in the past few years. My online dating experience from 6 years ago is very different than from today; people feel much less guilty about not responding or saying really rude things, and I feel like people have actually moved this into the Live and Real arena.
Rather than thinking about people on the other end of the e-communication being real, it feels like people are starting to treat other live people like they have the anonymity of online presence.
One way that I check myself is to use my real name as my username as often as safe/possible. It's a lot easier to post something rude as SnarkyBitch37 than as BalyCooley.
This was good for me to read. I sometimes forget what's on the other side of a computer screen or a windshield... It's like I'm suddenly invincible and there are no consequences. Wrong! Favorite feature these days: "save as draft". Read it again in the morning and make sure I'm not just being irrational.
I've seen the Anonymity of the internet turn normally fine reserve polite people into Kamikaze suicide flamers. It's easy to hide behind a screen and say things in print you would never say f2f.
My Idea of the perfect vacation is to go someplace where there is no internet, no cell phone bars, just real bars, and of course no government telling me what I can or can't do. I still believe the best way to ask a woman out is to look them in the eyes and say: "Do you want to have dinner together"?
The more technology moves us forward, the more it de-evolves us.
WE are DEVO? D-E-V-0
A great reminder: When people vent, their anger is often impulsive,fleeting and misdirected. It's personal only in the sense that it's about them, their frustration,their breaking point, not about us; we just crossed their path at an inopportune time. We do have the responsibility to grow up and A)Develop a healthy tolerance for the emotional jostling of life B)Work to overcome self-deception and self-absorption which causes us to be completely unaware of the real condition of those around us.
Two old adages come to mind:
1 - You can't control the actions of others, only your reactions to them.
2 - Act. Don't react.
I enjoy your posts Derek. Good reminders. Thanks.
Gods willing you will make a profoundly excellent father someday.
In the meantime, thanks for taking
the time to help us all grow up a little more.
You're so right. I try not to be mean online. I have been blown away by how insulting people can be while commenting on a you tube video!
Email's great when you need to be able to be curt (perhaps saying things you'd rather not get flustered saying face to face...although you need to learn to do this well too), or to keep an accountable record of what's being said, or to address "the man" at your internet company of choice.
3 rules I've learned the hard way to follow when corresponding via email...non of which are rocket science...
1. Be damn good at grammar. the last thing you need is to mis-read or mis-write your latest rant or their response. Oh, and cussing doesn't fall in the realm of good grammar, so grow up and don't.
2. Be firm on principle, but not ferocious to people. Humans suck at life, and that includes you and me. Give the recipient some mercy, but be crystal clear how they can make it right.
3. Be as quick to send the positive feedback email as you are to send the negative feedback email. Graciousness goes a long way.
So Piss off!
;0P
Derek, gotta say, this is so poignant. Thanks for reminding us of our humanity!
Hi,
It's suprise me ..I like this!
thank's
CKA
Thank you Derek for this post.
Life--it's all about people, isn't it? So many times I too have observed anger in myself or in others bought out in circumstances that aren't always appropriate to the the full intensity of that anger. It's refreshing to see examples of people realizing the scope of their anger and how it can unfairly impact an innocent bystander, or a barely deserving target.
The baseline for anger is often its link with survival issues--either relevant to the moment or ongoing in the back of our minds. It's fight or flight in your face survival mode in life so much of the time, and if we can listen to ourselves first then we might sooner recognize that fear and anger are often displaced responses to ongoing issues that may or may not have anything to do with whomever we select as the recipient of a venting or an indiscriminate attack. Displaced and unmanaged personal emotions have been hurting living beings needlessly for eons. If we can only observe, learn, and take responsibility for our emotions more, perhaps in managing them better our lives and our relationships can also be
managed better.
Compassion begins at home--compassion for ourselves first when we are feeling vulnerable allows us to have more compassion for others and to hold the reckless vitriol.
Thank you Derek.
Elyse
Derek,
This is one of your best blogs ever! Thank you for being such a great friend - who I've never even met.
Sincerely,
Jim D
This is a simple reminder, and a deeply profound one. Thanks Derek.
It's easy to be cold and calculating.(Sadly, a lot of people think this is cool.) It takes sensitivity and sometimes work to address life on an emotional level. This is what connects us, not money but the antithesis is all too commom./I only allow sweet people into my life the others I keep at arms length.
Back in the 1980s before computers were widespread, we always used to say to each other "Where are you coming from?" Then in the 1990s, we had to take the leap of actually trusting someone in a computer. In the 2000s, we have seen a great transformation, including and overcoming many threats such as identity theft, viruses, and hacking. We deal with security everyday, so the more experienced are aware of these barriers. We are still in a box until we actually meet someone.
So true, Derek. Especially now, when even close people (some of my band members, for instance) prefer texting / emaling to real conversations, even phone conversations. It feels like nowadays people prefer "less-personal" ways of communication; let's not forget that there's still an actual PERSON on the other end every time we text, email or send electronic messages trough other means.
Aufhausen's post made me laugh. Is that wrong?
Anyways, the main problem with the net is that you miss out on all the nuances of f2f interraction. All these new tools to communicate and yet it seems that sometimes we're getting worse at it.
Go figure, as you lot say across the pond ;)
Be well!
Derek, you are sooooooo real, the world is a much better place with you in it. Integrity, soul and empathy, all things we seem to have collectively dropped by our fast passed computering wayside, thanks for bringing the important stuff into perspective!
Cathy
A wonderful article.
I my self was recently
the recipient a scathing email that was written by an individual when he was
drunk, upset, totally overreacting as per
the magnitude of the event and displaying his tendency towards saying everything on
his mind without regards for the
consequences. I know he was embarrassed
by his gaffe because he has refused to speak
to me ever since on the phone or via email.
I still consider him a friend even with this
behavior. But he has a lot of growing up to do.
People would do well to wait one day before
sending emotional email. This is my personal policy and it has saved me an endless amount of self-recrimination or/or loathing.
Email, if not positive, assertive in objectively pointing out errors, and or just
encouraging should be avoided for the reasons you illustrated in your article. It does come down to personal responsibility
in the end and no one is responsible for you
except you.
I actually saw this coming...it was a question
of when the other shoe would drop.
Three words
Mindfulness, Compassion, Love.
Over the years I've often found myself pointing out to people in organisations two times when we lose something of ourselves.
1. When we walk in through the door in the morning and switch to work autopilot
2. When we sit down and stare at a fixed point in space while a fan hums in the background. In other contexts we call this hypnosis ;-)
thx for this reminder
I work as a consultant inside organisations and I seem to spend more and more of my time reconnecting people to parts of themselves they've had locked away for some time, and then teaching them to pay attention to each other in a more human way. Sad what we do to ourselves in the name of earning a living.
I work as a technical supporter, and my experience tells me, It is also the responsibility of the person behind the computer, to remember that most people are simple enough to forget that they are, in the end, dealing with humans too.
My tips to other customer care or technical supporters is too listen carefully without paying attention to any personal assault. When the customer is finished vomiting is black sauce, tell him the truth (if it is): even thou you really wish you could do something about it, it is not within your power. They will remember who they are talking to.
I feel what you wrote Derek. It takes a lot more courage to see the person or call the person and speak your voice than it is to write someone via a machine. And actually it isn't any easier to hide behind a mask and say what we feel. Real communication is becoming like an antique or something we find at a garage sale. It will take some spiritual searching on behalf of mankind to find once again what real communicating is..the question here is what is real communication. I conclude real communication is telling the other how you feel/or think without fear, anxiety etc. thanks Derek! peace, Mark
Thanks Derek... so nice having someone out there helping us keep perspective. Great post!
Very Interesting!
Sara, if you have been doing a job for 12 years, you must have believed that you were doing something good, something constructive, Right?
Just remember that once in awhile in life things go awry, but that doesn't mean that the worth that you invested in is no good anymore!..
It's just that you or someone is having a bad day.. As soon as you take time to think about what happened and sort things out the sun starts to shine and it's business as usual...So smile!
Derek, Just want to say that even though I haven't met you personally, you seem like a great human being.
For those of us trying to go forward in the business of making music, you are inspiring.
Thank you!
HI Derek!!!!!
My friend Melvyn once was treated badly by someone and never went back
Derek,
Your advice is an important reminder to all.
"Type unto others as you would have them type unto you!"
(unknown source)
Thanks,
Vernon
I am never as curt,rude,or short with people as I am on e-mails. If I have anything important to say, now I just phone, or better yet stop by. Our world is too impersonal anymore.
Derek, you really know how to get to the point. Thank you.
I got another check from Cdbaby.com today. It wasn't near as big as the smile it brought.
Dan Doshier
Awesome post! So true.
Teddy
Funny. I have 2 Forums that just get hammered all day by UK servers and Drug Spammers. These servers sign up and post new topics as if they were real people. I spend time going through each one trying to determine if they are real or server based. My biggest fear is to delete a real person's account. That is the big difference between Online and Real Life. Online communications are hard to take serious when they are constantly providing False Information. Even Web Tracking Tools are far from being able to give you real numbers of real people that visit your site. Most of the numbers are from Bots, Spiders or Fishing Servers. I prefer to do business face to face, and create a real relationship with my clients. Online relationships have no personal value and can end as fast as hitting the "Delete" button.
The Internet has no Loyalty. - DaPOW.com
one time i posted a blog on my band's myspace page, blasting a dear friend and calling that person names. it was not thoughtful or loving or smart. i was asked to remove the post, which i did, and promptly forgot about it. 3 years later my friend is still really hurt. i just want to make it right, and things will never be the same.
instant collapse...ick.
JG, i am really sorry. and i love you a lot.
ima big jerk just like always.
hope you will forgive me.
thanks derek for bringing this to light for me. i really appreciate your work.
jaik
I'm afraid my first thoughts about the computer were right . . . . . .
It is indeed,
''THE DEVIL MACHINE''
Sincerely,
LAMMY aka Mr. True
Of particular relevance: http://xkcd.com/438/
OMFG! Brilliant. Thanks for telling me about this. Replacing the original image with this, because it's so much better. Thank you! -- Derek
Don't really deal with either of those types of situations because I don't set myself up for them.
I have been on the receiving end of those types of emails, letters, phone call, etc. They are not nice, very upsetting and sometimes makes you want to do the same thing back. It turns normal people into sad, mean people just because someone did not take the time to think about what they are saying or writing. Once again Derek, a job well done.
Thoughts very well put, Derek. But,a good reason that people sometimes get so bold, mean, nasty, or outspoken, is all because of the virtual nature of the internet. People always feel secure and comfortable behind that so called "Internet Wall"...sometimes thought of as a safe haven for communicating,with anyone out there, while remaining somewhat anonymous, and untouchable. While some of that may be true, nonetheless, many people seem to forget that, the internet has truly shrunken the world. We are really not as insulated as we think, we are maybe a bit more exposed, available,and reachable than we think. There is always someone out there watching, observing, and aware of our presence. And a lot of our personal information, details,and history, is pretty much available to anyone, at a click of a mouse, or through any search engine. With all that said,it probably makes a lot of sense to be pleasant, nice, and civil, when communicating with anyone. So yes, while the internet may be a virtual world,those at the other end are very much real..
cm/nj
I am always excited when I see your name appear in my e-mail. I always know that I will be receiving some wonderful suggestions or comments that will change my life in some way. You have accomplished that once again with this post. It is very true that people will speak so freely through a computer but when faced with a person they are totally different. Thank you for the reminder !
Dear Derek,Sarah, & Valerie :
Most Of The folks From Our Time were Raised Old School, The Kats Born In The 1960's.
Respect & Honor should Be Saluted 1st & Foremost, anything else is Not Business & ethical. The Old School Didn't Operate Like these Youngsters. It's Our Duty to Uphold The Law of Respect &
Compel one another to be Kind
& Professional. Before the
Internet was Born There were Consequences for Bad Behavior.
Peace & Love to Everyone !
Love Yourself & share your
Light.
Brotha Tobi Hero !
http://c3.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/65/l_373ec843598c3bee2a9c25bf94d743b6.jpg
Whoop whoop!
Nice looking pad you got there Derek!
Great blog.
I like German Sparkle Party!
Cheeeas mate
Great post Derek! Wow! I don't know if you could say it any better than you did. Thanks!
I remember back in University when I ran a part-time moving business. A woman called me with an urgent move and I was able to schedule her in. She was moving half way across the country with tons of boxes by Greyhound.
She told me that her father had died the night before and had to go to the family home.
As we arrived at the bus depot, she approached the counter with all her boxes. Well, there was a limit on the number of boxes and you could see this issue escalating. She took a bathroom break and I told the counter people what I already knew -that she was in a crisis.
Immediately their tone changed, and they went out of their way to help.
Research has shown that if you understand why someone is behaving in a certain way, its much easier to forgive and accomodate - and not take their behaviour personally.
Hopefully people who are in crisis learn to calm themselves and be aware of that split second when we make a decision to react or not.
Remember to connect with others as human beings and to write with a kind heart.
Keep The Respect Up In & Out On
Internet!
Always think before you press the send button...
I started http://VelvetChokers.com way back in 1998...in the early years of the web. People were less trusting of sending money via the internet and usually happy they received their product from me at all, LOL.
Since then, customers have become inhumane, unreasonable, demanding and spoiled by huge sites like Amazon.com. I'd get scathing letters from people that because the custom made-to-order jewelry they purchased on Sunday had not arrived by Wednesday!
I KNOW these so-called civilized folks would never speak to a customer service rep. this way in person...not even in a Walmart, LOL. Computers dehumanize us and make it *seem* OK to vent without remorse at strangers. After all, you'll never have to own your words, let alone eat them, as you'll never have to meet the person you dumped on via email...sometimes simply because you had a bad day.
May Karma catch up with anyone who does not live by this simple rule: treat others the way you want to be treated...period.
Lynn 'JULIAN' aKa CCG Pop Superhero
http://CookieCutterGirl.com
That's why we have punching bags to vent on.
What we say can mean life or death. Watch this short video and be amazed.
Words are powerful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IWsriCKzIg
I used to get so annoyed with people that hurt me and then after I reacted, they would say, you know you're the only one responsible for how you react. I used to think, damn it, can't you see that you are selfish. Well, truth is, they're right. We do have to choose our reactions. If it matters, let somebody know maturally. If after a few hours or day, it doesn't seem that big anymore, let it go. And for goodness sakes, say you're sorry when you think you should or someone says they're hurt or offended. You really will feel better and so will they. Thanks, Derek.
Tech communications are still relatively new to all of us humans, including "Tekkies". We use these means to replace and augment "face-to-face" experience. And "work toward", as a worthy goal, the need to even be present for most relational activities. Sex included, of course. But doesn't it seem odd to describe these developments that way?
It is important to use our tools for our purposes, but to be careful not to become "Used" by their uncritical use.
The meaning and use of language is fundamental to how we communicate. Some might see the "virtual world" as a shield from caring - like the 1st example above, where the customer threatened to sue, etc., and then, after being contacted, replied, "oh, I was just having a bad day". (i.e., "no big deal, don't worry about it"...
But her words had already done more damage than she realized...
I really felt for Sara in the "10 page scathing email..." followed by "Oh just ignore it". The flippant attitude of the customer just reeks… Sara’s response was very responsible in avoiding legal law suite..., but the emotional rollercoaster must have been horrible.
Perhaps, the lesson is taking things in stride, and don’t take things too personal when you are obviously dealing with someone who is border line crazy. CYA, then move on.
Musicians/Artists lay it on the line with each creation. If you get vicious “I hate that song” responses try to look at it with a grain of salt. At least you were able to stir some emotions and for every strong HATE there are also equally strong LOVES out there.
I get real honest feedback from my wife about some songs I write. Sometimes I ignore her, but often I change things around and she winds up loving the final output.
That "10 page evil email" also propably pointed out some problems in a bold way that Sara will always be sure to not let happen again.
-Don’t let hate blind love!
-Bad experiences can also build good results.
Beautiful. Conscious-blogging. I love it.
Great post.
It's really too bad the lady with the business realize that a 10 page flame email indicates the problem was not hers.
And I hope she raised her rates for that specific customer. ;-)
Derek,this is very good food for thought! God wants us to be kind to one another.
Computers and phones are so impersonal.
It's a little like busking where life is so much more exciting when you are so close to the audience. My watchers and listeners get very involved and frequently dance on the pavements around me. They have a good time and so do I as it all feeds back and out again! I took your advice and got a facebook page and the funny thing is that people are still paying to download my 'George Bush Blues' comedy song!' Keep smiling, Dennis Derby
Timely, timely. I recently had to let go of a one-sided friendship. It had become a drain on me for personal reasons.
The reaction I got from the person whom I knew in person, but who often only wanted digital contact was pretty amazing. The amount of hate, anger and sarcasm was unexpected.
It wasn't easy to let that person go, but it had to be done. Much for the reasons that there was no filter and messages were constantly mixed. Not to mention that their ability to remember anything about me was nil.
Funny thing is the more I connect with people in person, the more likely something actually gets done.
Love it It goes by the four aggreements
Be impeccable with your word
Don't take anything Personally
Don't make assumptions
Always do your best
We may look at a screen but we are all souls searching the truth.
Thanks D!
I needed to hear this.
What about discussion boards? They often turn into vitriolic filled name calling sessions between faceless entitiies. Is it a valid outlet for those who feel like no one is listening? For wrongs that actually need to be righted? Or is it all just reinforcing negative energy?
Wow... synchronicity!
I had already taken action this morning with this thought in mind before reading your post.
I'd received an email from a customer service rep, and responded with a personal note and a "thank you", thinking that there was a nice person on the other end of the email who should be acknowledged. The person responded with a "You're welcome!"...
And then I read your post.
It's all connected.
love the cartoons!
Excellent! Thanks so much Bro. Derek for directing my attention to this posting. I always try to be very sensitive to the person at the other end of the phone or an email and choose me words carefully. Good Word!
Bonsoir Derek,
this world needs more people in it with your thought process, from my lips to Gods ears my friend, you just get it period!! Personally I attribute such defying remarks or actions as just plain ignorance! 99% of these type of people really don't think before they act until after the damage is done...
Bonne soirée
We can remember about the other people, but I think the problem is that our user interfaces tend to hide the other people and instead show the system between us and them.
I think UIs need to connect us to each other rather than connecting each of us to a system. It's a tough problem.
Unpopular though it is, Google Wave managed to do substantially better at that than email and IM. You probably know what I mean if you've used it. There's a sense of sitting down at a table with other users, rather than sending things to each other through computers. It's very personal. If only we could see the value in that.
Very well said. I also believe things happen for a reason...
+1 - All clients can be a pain in the butt.
Great post Derek, that happened to me once, i totally disregarded their email. Guess what they wrote back and apologized the next day...
Derek,
THANK YOU THANK YOU for this important reMINDer. It is so easy to forget that behind the computer monitor are real people that have feelings. I DO TRY to remember that in all of my dealings with people, especially on the computer.
Although, I too agree that this is often overlooked by many, many people and sure hope that your message - your personal stories and creative insights will shine the light on this important topic.
I salute you for your continuous efforts in helping to raise awareness and grow bigger Hearts!
Most Sincerely,
Heather DeRigo
Derek,
Thank You ! True to heart !
When I go On Air, I never hear from a soul unless the MIC is too hot or they hate that song and what piece of crap I am for playing it. Let us not forget the 99.9% that they enjoyed listening too, and most likely ripped from the station for free to add to a personal ipod/library. I provide a commercial free station at my own expense and out of the thousands of listenrs world wide, I have had 3 people say THANK YOU, over the past 2 years !
Rock On !
Randy Fender/Owner/1RockFm.com
Where Music Lives !!
Thanks Derek,
I remember years ago I wrote a dear friend an e-mail when I was in a fit,
She saved it and showed it to me days later, she asked if I was OK ?
Then, She reminded me the e-mail was in the computer forever... Ouch.
I never did that again.
This was good.
That cartoon, so cute illustrating hey we're all people. I like these examples and think most people on this blog are concious enough to behave nicely or want to.
I was physically sick seeing the comments people were posting on the first YouTube videos from Haiti after the quake, and wanted to sit and cry from all the intense racial hate from uncompassionate idiots from around the world that was given voice. Felt helpless to fight it, what do I do pick off these cruel racists one by one on YouTube...then a good friend said, what you can do is keep writing and producing material with social conciousness like you do, and that's your way of balancing the scale.
So we can each improve this with communications through these machines and in real life too ;) Thanks D for the good one today,
-M
we are, many of us, at least, sensitive, altruistic humans living in a world of need, artificial intelligence, gross, callous consumerism, and instantaneous mass communication. Friends are beseiged by daily pressures as are we. Try to stay cool. Don't come out 'guns blazing' everytime a perceived showdown occurs. Patience is the virtue always easier said than practiced.
Many before me have already said it, but I just feel like I need to re-iterate it again - Very well said, and thank you for that read.
Thank you. Much.
There are many different reasons why so much anger is prevelent in our world. Insecurities; low self esteem; doubts about your real identity; doubts about what you do is your true passion; working a job you dislike; difficulty in finding a soulmate; realizing your emotional needs are not being met;
left-over basic family baggage; and on and on. It is no wonder there are a lot of dissatified souls searching for their goals.
Ted
learning how to deal with people is an art...it takes a lifetime to learn...I find patience and trying to understand the other person's point of view ...very helpful in understanding people a little bit better..it makes dealing with those tricky situations a little easier when you can understand someone else's point of view a ...thanks Derek
So true are these words and examles. Sad to say it but to some degree that is what this electronic world has brought to us. Those who are as cold as the equipment they are typing from. Losing the human eye to eye contacts causing one to forget there is really another person at the other end. We all needed this reminder for sure. Blessings and Wa-do', thank you. TerryLee
I almost lost a friend and a musician because I would answer him in all caps. He finally said he was upset because I was always yelling at him. So no matter what the reason - be cool!
Thanks Derek
What impresses me is that, even though I'm 139th in line here as a comment poster, knowing you, you will read it and maybe even reply, because you live what you preach. You are a true people-person. You are a great example of "letting your light shine so that others feel empowered to let theirs shine."
Keep up the great work Derek,check out my new album, thanks Noé
Dedicated to all Cancer survivors and their families
A Woman's Love
By Singer-Songwriter Noé Licon
I sing of a woman's love, my wife Ophie, We lost to cancer.
Songs that bring tears of joy, Love, and gratefulness.
To Listen Click - http://cdbaby.com/cd/NoeLicon
Discover more of Noé's music
At
www.musicbynoe.com
Thank you, Derek. It's a hopeful sign, when leaders like you teach the value of kindness. If we all model the peaceful communication we'd like to receive, we can make a profound difference in our daily lives...while, at the same time, creating the cooperative atmosphere we'll need to tackle the world's urgent problems.
Great post Derek, thanks!
Wonderful post! Thank you for sharing your insights. I wrote a song about this a few years back. People are amazing if we just take the time to listen and see. I have so many thoughts about what you wrote but suffice to say: Thank you!!!
Thank you for sharing. Inspirational!
it's a cool,still and clear dawn...that magic moment when all is well.
thanks for the post. It's timely.
many of my posts are written about injustice but whether the posts serve any purpose other than to allow me to vent frustration is questionable.
your posts tend towards the thoughtful and the uplifting ....they are a joy to read and raise the question.....what is it that we are nourishing with our words.
thanks for the breakfast....it's yummy rather than yuk.
The integrity of your friend of your friend is what I find most appealing about this article, its very reassuring to me to know their are good people around, who even though they are working for the dollar, think more about their spiritual being than the money, she was truly effected more about letting another person down from the human stand point, than her business not performing up to par, this is refreshing to my spirit, to hear about fellow human beings wanting to do right for the sake of right!
Sooooo many people forget these simple courtesies.
Soon we'll see a rise in cyber therapists. ;-)
I sure hope Sara got her $50 back.
Once again, I am in awe of your humanness.
Whenever I see people losing it in arguments about why someone's opinion is worthless.. I post this picture. http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2008/3/472126_d0f3fbd2-ec7b-4ea5-a766-97e6ea3b4ca1_prod.jpg
It's called Someone is Wrong on the Internet.
And I have learned to live this phrase, "If you can't say anything nice,don't say anything at all." It works so much better than STFU.
Will you run for president please?
Derek,
It speaks well of you that you even noticed. Your observations of the increasingly impersonal attitudes of humanity are quite astute.
Thanks for humanizing the receiver of bad news...my wife says to always save something for a day and reread what you wrote to decide if you are being too critical or injecting too much drama into the situation.
An aside...for those interested in writing...I am reading a fine and funny book by Anne Lemott called "Bird by Bird". It pulls no punches but is a short, fun and easy read.
Good word Derek
Reff:
http://bible.cc/james/3-5.htm
Derek,
It's always very good to be reminded of situations mentioned in your blog. It's very helpful for all of us to take a time out for tenderness and to not get caught up in all this depersonalized angst which is so prevalent. Thanks for sharing.
indeed... to take it even a step further.. i wonder too these days how perhaps, distance, time and space really don't matter.. what we think, how we feel in every moment creates ripples... projecting negativity on anything or one is best avoided... we all get grumpy, down, negative... attempting to not add the the feeling and point it in anyones direction is the challenge ... computer screens are interfaces... the feelings moving in the ether.. have substance and have power... : )
I was just thinking about something similar to this as I was entertained by the ending of "Marley & Me" where he speaks of how dogs don't care if we have a big house or money, etc. He goes on to say something like: How many people can we say make us feel extraordinary?
I thought of how cool it would be to treat people with that "special energy" we all have available to us that can uplift others and inspire them, and I wondered why we don't use that all the time since we clearly have the power to?
I wondered if it was a selfish aspect, "What's in it for me?" or just a matter of laziness or a lack of paying attention.
Later on, (again, this is all happening today) I came across a second reminder of how simple it would be to be(come) that person who leaves everyone they come into contact with feeling a little better as a result of your interactions. Whether is it a kind word, or noticing something good about them, offering to help out, being polite, or sometimes just not being oblivious to what's going on in THEIR world.
I used to focus on being that person more than I have lately and I know I can do better.
I also like the saying "If we all threw our problems into a pile, we'd grab our own back in a heartbeat." When I focus on that, it makes it a lot easier to be(come) the person described above.
Ever notice when you are that person how much more people enjoy being around you??
Your best article yet...
Excellent post. This is something to always keep in mind. The same goes for over the phone... or when speaking to someone behind a counter for that matter.
Very Good! We all feel like that sometimes!!
Thanks for Sharing this Derek. So true we sometimes forget that there is a human being on the other side of the screen or other technical tools we use so often..even personal relationships sometimes get too much texting little voice communication..truly connecting..
Blessings!
So true. There is someone at the end of your message!
I think it's a great idea to be nice to people close or far. If Sara knows she takes her work seriously she should consider that when most clients are happy complainers need careful scrutiny. Most people are actually nice though, so I think it comes as a shock when someone freaks at us or is RUDE.
Great post & thought-provoking blog.
thank you.
I did witness that dehumanization process with financial programs... which pretty much lead to a global crisis at the time, and a lot of questions about the ethics in my profession: see http://stackoverflow.com/questions/256318/ethics-and-coding/256357#256357
we're living in a time I call the "super-sized" age. with the advancement of technology, people have much convenience accessible at their fingertips, but, unfortunately, it also de-humanizes, or rather, de-sensitizes many. we do need to stop & remember that we have heartbeats & to care. it's so easy to say, I don't care. & we need to learn to unplug, so we can take a deep breath &keep our cool. thanks for reminding me
Your post absolutely drew me in, Derek. It was so thoughtfully expressed and undoubtedly true. The illustration that followed even had me saying, "Aah...he got me this time."
Beautiful! Thank you.
The most helpful and nicest public servants I have dealt with have been in the Inland Revenue. Last year after a spot of illness I took my returns for the last 3 years to the Tax Office. The man sat in front of me for an hour doing all my returns for me. And then I had zero tax to pay! Personally, I think people are wonderful.
Many people in this world (not everyone) think "black-white",think very simple to the outside.But learn also from negative comment.
I can relate. I had a bad experience at the bank yesterday. It wasn't even through a computer, but between a bunch of sheets of glass and automobile aluminum in the drive through line. Maybe it was just me being overly sensitive, or maybe the lady actually was rude to me. Either way, I think I'll take the extra few minutes to walk into the bank from now on and actually get a little face time with a person. (Instead of having someone refuse to tell me her name - "Why would I ever want that information?")
So true, Derek. Whatever we do, wherever we are, it all gets back to people.
Cute!
Has anybody heard this one
"Love ain't a song til you sing it
Love ain't a bell til you ring it
Love it isn't in your heart to stay
Love isn't love until you give it away"
i guess giving is better than getting
the love of many has grown cold
materialism is a big distraction
Thanks. Good timing. On both ends of this all the time.
xo.
Amen... amen... amen... god... amen... your post so hit it on the head that I don't even know what else to say but... thank you for saying it!
Thanks for saying it. The people who do customer service aren't allowed to.
Life isn't all sunshine and roses.
We have to learn to take the bad with the good. Just treat others
the way you want to be treated and
most of the time you will be appreciated.
thanks, great blog, and so true. Of course there are real scammers out there, so it's hard to differentiate the good and the bad ones at times. It's very hard to know who's who these days until your treated accordingly with a refund ect. But it is a real person on the other line.
What a lovely post. And how nice to know there was a real person behind the email. Too often there isn't. But living respectfully is a great principle regardless of anyone being out there. Hmmmm she says reading her own words. Better stop talking before walking my talk becomes too big a task. x
yup, money or no money, business or employee, famous or anonymous... on and on.... we're all in this boat together. simple. Yeah. hugs all around....
Thank you Derek. I have a rule of thumb. When upset and writing an email - I ALWAYS save it as a draft and wait at least 24 hours before sending it. And I reread it at least twice before sending it. And more often than not - I end up deleting it and calling instead.
When receiving an email that is angry/abusive or whatever - I usually respond with a phone call. I refuse to have these kinds of conversations via email. It's way too easy for the person receiving to add tone/meaning to an email that leads to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
When on a list-serve, I generally give any negative feedback (or response that could be received negatively) in a direct email to the individual, not through the list-serve.
Once someone flamed me on a list-serve, and since I wait 24 hours - before I ever was ready to respond - about 10 people leaped to my defense. I never did respond - really - it's so much better coming from others!
And about 6 months later, I ran into that person at a music biz conference and introduced myself "Hi, I'm the person you trashed on that list-serve." Boy was he embarrassed!
Hey Derek, great post! I was trying to say something similar with my post "The Wheel Of Social Karma" here: http://tweetminer.net/blog/?p=216 - Not as eloquent as you though
I work tech support for a recording equipment manufacturer, so it's my JOB to be the butt end of this kind of thing all day.
Sometimes I don't think I get paid enough to be every losers toilet.
'scuse me while I go home & cry thru my guitar.
So true.Thanks for sharing, Derek!
Great article. Nothing is private on the internet. To add to your thoughts, is email advice to never, never,never send an email or post to a message board when you are angry!
"I was just in the bad mood" My thoughts on that.....
Well, I didn't know this until recently. In the past, when I'm upset or feeling not particularly positive about anything or anyone, I would write/type up a letter but never planning on sending it. My boyfriend told me that he does the same thing and he calls it "a Harry Truman Letter".
I don't know how many times that this personal process saved me a lot of further grief but I highly recommend it to everyone. Sometimes we just need to put ourselves in someone else' shoes and see how we would feel if we receive a not so flattering or positive feedback from someone else.
Thanks for your thoughts. We have to remember that words always have power. That's why sites like http://www.dirtyphonebook.com are so dangerous and can destroy so many lives by ruining the reputations of others.
I have been on the receiving end of too many angry calls and emails. I think a lot of people are upset because they feel like they've been robbed of their precious time. But, your time isn't so valuable that it trumps basic human decency.
Yeah!, I like it.,
thursday and just read your blog and it was so intense and true in the sense that every one of us is a human being, we are imperfect and i believe that if every one of us pauses and reflects for a few minutes before doing something or say something , the world would be a better place, a place where everybody is on the same boat respecting one another. It all boils down to this: "No humility, no holiness. No holiness, no heaven." FR.Corapi .
Great post Derek. I want to just say that if you have a problem with someone, it is not always best to send an email about it, especially if its a friend or small business. The wording in emails (or text messages) can be taken the wrong way and I have seen friendships ruined over something that could have been worked out in a short phone call. Secondly- I'd say that when we are frustrated with someone try showing kindness and patience. In my experience I usually get what I need.
Derek, thank you. Reading you and Paulo Coelho is such a treat - you guys make the world a more sane & human place. so much zen in your guys' words. hope to shake your hand someday.
sean
Thanks Derek. The instantaneous send of emails v the thought required when writing a letter. Deep breath, a nice coffee and roll a smoke of some kind before venting about something that probably isn't all that important anyway. Great post mate.
Thank you Derek for addressing this.
There's a such a deluge of angry critics online it's staggering. Every time I look up the number for a favorite restaurant I try to shield my eyes from the mean and denigrating comments that are invariably at the top of the search page (via yelp and citysearch). Who knows what I'd do if I didn't already know and love the place, probably not go.
I had a terrible falling out with an old friend on facebook during a heated political discussion with him taking a nasty extreme angle. He 'defriended' me and it looked like we were finished. I emailed him privately and apologized (I figure how can I want peace in the world if I can't make it in my own life) and he wrote back nicely and said, yeah, thanks for apologizing and anyway I didn't really believe all that.
Then why did he say it? Because it was in an open forum in front of countless people and he was grandstanding? I don't know. The world seems to be getting smaller and more unfriendly, but there are also moments of joy and kindness between strangers. Maybe it's just that things seem amplified because every comment can be heard.
x
Lovely Derek, thanks so much. I've converted some stupendously rude and angry people with a calm, "Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me about this, I'm going to make it right." And then I do. Doesn't always work, but mostly it does. Usually when someone is that angry, it's misplaced or transferred Hope you're well!
well I think people spend too much time on the computer when they should be outside in the garden soaking up some vitamin D!!20 years ago there was no computers and people had a better time because they spent it with other people doing constructive things like dancing sports clubs etc etc
This is a good intro to a book that I keep with me, I wonder if you've heard of it "The four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz
be impeccable with your word
don't take anything personally
don't make assumptions
always do your best
thanks derek, love your work ;)
Thanks for sharing, great story and it happens many times in the business world. Many situations can push our buttons at the best of times.
It takes so little effort to practice the art of kindness.. A gentle word and a smile can be the making of someone's day.. Great post Derek ( as usual ! )
thanks for this reminder. About 15 years ago, living in a remote community where life was mostly by mail order, the brand new Sears wishbook came out. I placed my order. After a few weeks, and no parcel, I phoned to see what the problem was. I was told the product was no longer available. ??? "but the book just came out...how can that be?" The woman tried an explanation, but apparently I was having a bad day and wasn't very pleasant about it. I felt sooooo bad after,that I dialed the #. I of course didn't get the same operator, but explained what had happened and needed to appologize to "someone"...so would she please accept. She did. I only felt slightly better.Now I am in retail and on the recieveing end...and I often blush with guilt over how I must have made that poor woman feel. So...thanks for the reminder!
This is brilliant and sad. Here from Felicia Day's Twitter--thank you so much for making this point. I also spend a great deal of time online and I love it but what you say is really true. Political discussions online can be particularly volatile. People need to think twice before invalidating someone as a human being, even if that person disagrees with your opinion. Thanks for the wake-up call.
Namaste.
murder of the spirit mite be more painful than physical death... 4give ourselves and others... and go hug somebody while U we can... tommorow is promised 2 no one...
The best way to handle nastiness coming from the Internet is to ignore it. The flow of incoming messages from the Internet is unlimited (unlike time that we have available).
The internet is a very strange place. On one hand we are who we are, but on the other hand it can offer a great escape from that.
But yeah, it can go wrong. Look at any web forum... It's amazing what people will say and do.
If you wanna do business on the net, you better have a thick skin. :(
Hi Derek thank you for that, you are brilliant at motivating people, you made it seem as if you were talking to me direct when you mentioned it was my birthday recently, which was a nice touch to personalise the message.
You are gifted and I hope that you continue with your crusade of enlightening people towards the business side of this music industry.
The way that business is done has changed and people’s attitude towards it has to change. Technology has advanced so fast that some people are missing out because they did not prepare for the complete changer over to the ecommerce way of doing business. I read all your mail and watch your videos which have helped me to see where I am heading. We are in an abundance of water but many still remain thirsty.
Thanks - something we need reminding of from time to time
Love makes the world go round...
Rachel
Weird coincidence Derek, I was just thinking about this issue today also. People also forget to show compassion for anyone who is dressed in a uniform, or representing a company on the phone, or going door to door, or someone who works for "the government." All these people are are people, with families, who are working to make ends meet. Thanks for posting this good reminder.
Very touching, Derek. Almost cried reading it. The human connection
Derek, I think it's a learning curve. First of all, we need to have enough frustrations with technology that we get a "zen" attitude about it - not taking it out on others OR OURSELVES; just trying to put the puzzle together.
Often it's some random, small piece that just didn't work - the power cord is frayed, or the battery ran out, or the software has a glitch. I discovered that in this, as in music, I need to adopt a "workmanlike" (workwomanlike?) attitude and just try to get to the bottom of it.
Then, you realize that this is exactly what others are also trying to do. If you talk to them in a join problem-solving way, you can sometimes crack the code and get it done. I have learned how to talk sensibly to the long-suffering help desks, and we have gotten so much further that way than I did in my emoting days!
Thanks for your relentless humanity in so many facets of our lives!
I enjoy all your articles, though of course some speak to you more than others. Started to post a comment and ended up putting one on my News page of my own site:
http://www.samcrain.com/news.html
for what it's worth. Keep 'em coming.
Nice post! It's always best not to react to an emotional situation until we've had some time to consider the facts and also to let ourselves have time to calm down. I was recently treated very rudely over the phone by the doctor's office where I've been a patient for nearly 20 years. Not having had insurance for a few years I was unaware my doctor had recently retired. On calling the office I found this out. On asking who was now handling his patients and telling them I needed to see the new doctor and would pay cash for the visit, the woman I was speaking with virtually screamed at me that they are under new ownership and do NOT accept cash! I was near tears to be treated in such a mean manner especially by someone who works in a medical facility and deals with sick people. I've written a letter to the office but am holding off on sending it...pending on how I feel a week or two down the line.
Just to clear the air... AWESOME...
And "mostly" true... But as any mechanic or computer tech will tell you... Talking to a mere machine nets results... if you talk bad to your car... it will break down... (I never call it a Piece of Sh!t where it can hear me... never!) and the same with a Computer... I love my Dell (yes I do... your soooo pretty) but if it is running slow... never voice it... ever... it will always go slower...
The other end of line bit... Too true... The evil "hold" button on phones has got a lot of people n trouble... A place I used to work at had a notorious(ly) bad system that would fail at every oppourtunity... and you would learn to keep you mouth shut quick at that job... I saw managers get caught by that system... put a disgruntled phone client on hold and say what a Jerk they were (Nice version) only to have them say in your ear... Who's the Jerk!!! Yeah... Fun.
And what's up with Trolling? Did anybody watch the Today Show? People are Deliberatly e-mailing or commenting on memorial sites of facebook sites bad or demeaning sayings to elicit a emotional response... WTF?!? That's right up this blogs alley I should think...
Any "body" got a clue?
I'm still dealing the impact of someone not remembering that a real person was at the other end of the PC. It hurt, and it wasn't fair. I won't be letting that that person do that to me again. Ever.
I love this post.
First we need to remember that people are people and need to be treated with kindness and respect, even if we are interacting with them through technology.
Second, we need to treat ourselves with kindness and respect.
We need to hold fast to our dreams and trust that if we do the best we can, at the very least it is good enough. Someone else's bad day doesn't have to be my excuse to quit.
Indeed. I wasn't worrying about losing followers as much before I read this, but now I am again.... Hmmm.
And like life, we don't all have the same experiences online as others...
Computers have been wonderful creations and the gifts from Hell.
At my job, I had 8 people email my boss glowing remarks of my service to them. One emailed a blasting letter and I had no idea why. Guess whose "voice" was heard?
Technology makes it easy to be mean.
Somehow, the image conjured (at FIRST) when you mention the people behind all those computers is the bleak (and vast) desperation of Chatroulette...sad, hollow, lit by the blue glow.
Maybe we can get back to that particular garden where millions of users represent a collective smileyface at the keys, but something must change, evolve first.
ITS is so true ,taht we forget to use our love and gratitute in all the human aspect of life while excanging with virtual communication,for some its a inhibitor ...Live with passion an gratitue ,its the key to happiness in communication.
thanks for reminding us.
Blogger themed parties help with dispelling the myth that computer screens write on the Internet.
Your examples remind me of what my guru (The Mother) who use the word "equanimity"...where regardless of someone's fine praises or someone else's insults, you are unaffected. You keep doing your work with inner poise and offer it to the Divine and leave the results to the Divine too.
Nice post and always thought provoking.
Thank you Derek. xoxo
Oh, good grief. People need to learn to have a thicker skin.
In your hypothetical example with Sara, two very important details are not being considered:
1) Sara reacted improperly to the situation by taking it way too personally.
2) The client probably WAS upset when she wrote the notice, and then was being polite when confronted personally while being upset internally. This is called "passive-aggressive behavior," and it's pretty common in the US.
The best way Sara could have handled the situation would have been to take a deep breath, consider what she could offer, and call the client and work things out while the topic was fresh.
She should not have taken, "it's OK" for an answer, nor should she have overcompensated for a mistake without first gaining clarification on the matter.
Yes, real people exist on the other side of a phone, computer, retail counter or service desk. But these people would never survive in service industries if they took every little piece of criticism personally.
Great post, I enjoy reading your blog.
About the post, I can relate to what you wrote. Being offended on the Internet can bring real emotional pain :(
(http://www.google.ca/search?q=offended)
you are certainly a real person!
Nice one Derek - love the cartoon at the end. Hope you have managed to rent your flat out!
It amazes me at how connected and into each others lives we all are, and all the while so very distant...
Technology to find friends, text messages, email, GPS... But so little interaction that amounts to reality.
We have to change it.
yes this must have happened to most of us at some time of life...we should ourselves be careful....great thought
I hope the person who was yelling to me on the phone yesterday reads this blog post.
Sorry dude!
The me you get by email is the me you get in person! Guess I'm not that interesting an anomaly!
I think the problem is not people, the problem are computers. With mail you isolate your real emotions from the other one and the perceived emotion of you is different from that you really have. Email removes emotion and this creates problems, specially when one of them has self esteem issues(most of us have).
And girls don't need email to consider someone "loser" for projecting weakness. They don't decide it, they just don't want to partner with someone weak-desperate. What is the best solution? To force them into something they don't want by nature?
People have a very complex system for dealing with personal relationships. Fix the computers to match people, don't try to make people surrender to machines limitations.
Hi Derek,
Sara is a caring person but, allows herself to get hurt too easily.Returning her money as a good gesture was enough perhaps, with a note saying "sorry i couldn't help you" would have sufficed.Both would have learned from this i'm sure.Sara will become stronger and less fragile in future.
Good message!
You really set a high bar, Derek. This is just one more example of a guy living a lifestyle we should all strive for. You seem to have mastered the "flow-through" design. Good things come your way, and your first initiative is to turn around and share it.
As I slowly, slowly become more successful, I only hope to give back as much as you do. (Good luck with the sub-let, btw.)
~Peace.
I am in the planning stages and building a websight called sandiegosurferinvestors.com I plan on doing a once a week you tube episode on investing, and teaching people of a common interest about investing. I know there will be many critics and haters, and have to be mentally ready for it because I'm a college dropout and have no credentials in this field except for 28 years experience. The things I've focused on and gotten good at in my life, are my music, surfing and investing/business. I've had successes and failures.
You, Derek have been an inspiration, as have been Peter Lynch and Warren Buffet. I hope to make new friends and partnerships that share the love of surfing, I think a cool idea.
My mantra:
You always achieve more by being nice to people.
Always tell them what you can do, not what you can't.
A great piece to read on a Friday morning - thank you!
Excellent post! This reminds me of "How to Win Friends and Influence People." It's a good read for those who'd like to improve their interaction with other people.
I just came across this blog today. Pretty Interesting thoughts. particularly this post...Behind the mechanical, electrical appliance, behind the person who wears donald duck costume and waves at us in DisneyWorld, there is a real person.
I adore this post. I do think it's helpful to realize that crazy people, rude people, and those who are both rude and crazy all at once, are allowed to own and use computers. It's good not to take the crazies too personally, which doesn't in any way absolve them of the responsibility of playing nice.
I think it carries a lot of weight to control the only behaviour you can, which is your own, and as difficult as it is, respond with kindness especially when it's most difficult. If it helps to think of it this way, it's the last thing that person expects to encounter as a response.
Lest you think I'm coming from naivete here, I worked tech support at a call center for several years...
Hey Derek,
You touched a very important point, many times we forget that even if we are using the computer or the phone on the other side there is a person not an instrument.
If we are able to keep this in mind and treat others as we want to be treated everything becomes easier.
Thanks,
^PV Reymond
I think the guys were lucky not to recieve a reply from half-hearted Valerie. Things happen for a reason, also online...
I love your business advice, but this venture into great personal advice is just as good.
First story is good.
Second story -- do you really expect your friend to answer 10 earnest, out-of-the-blue emails a day? This is unreasonable. Your friend has to look out for herself first. Her time is worth just as much as any of ours.
Constructive thoughts, I guess, but not so useful when dealing with a corporation, a structure set up by "actual people." I never resort to name-calling or all-caps or profanity, but I am most firm with intransigent corporations and small businesses. Often in contentious communication I will make it clear at the outset that the person with whom I'm communicating did/does not make the rules, but then I go on to make a vigorous case against inane policies. Low-level customer service people (and I am myself in a service busines) very much need to feel and *transmit* the pressure of customers who are treated contemptibly by the "suits" who make the rules. Enough raindrops might fill the bucket of action.
I'm an MBA, have worked in large and small organizations. Breaking through to top management about a beef is hard, and there may be some collateral damage, since like some BadGuys these days globally, the antagonists hide among the civilians. *That's what customer service folk are for!* to a great extent. They are pawns meant to deflect legitimate concerns. Right now the CEO of a firm who broke 24 pieces of my furniture in a move will not reply to my requests for simple conversation.
In the same way that the 911 Badguys preyed upon our open borders and general freedoms, cynical managers take unfair advantage of people (I believe like myself)who conversationally would prefer to make nice, be nice, Golden Rule, etc. As Ike said, sometimes we will have peace, even if we have to fight for it.
Hi Derek,
Thanks for sharing this message.
We have happy moments,not so happy moments. But no matter how much differences between all of us. Mother nature treats us all with her love. I feel that every spirit deserves some love and respect.
I teach technical communication in college and have been saying these identical words to my students for years. I am not a fatalist, but I fear many of the chances for human interaction are eroding (pay at the pump, ATM) and find many to lack common social skills in general, much less in matters when we need the biggest control over them.
Thank you for the post.
I agree with #224 Sean - that, while understandable, Sarah did take the remarks too personally. It is so easy to do when you are trying to do your very best for your customer. I agree, that calling the customer as soon as possible to address the stated concerns, would have been a more productive action for Sarah to take.
There are 3 ways to approach complaints about my work.
1) Become defensive and lash out at the one complaining.
2) Take the complaints, turn them in on myself, beat myself up and feel worthless: or
3) Ask for clarification - I often ask first - "Gosh, Jane, you sound upset." (Often times they'll say they are just having a bad day, and you are taking the brunt of it.) Or, they say "Yet I'm upset. Your work is lousy. Then I get to ask "What specific part of the work is unacceptable? And what would be an acceptable solution?
A simple and thought provoking remainder ...thanks
loved it!! beautifully written. Its once said that a piece of article's sucess doesn't depend on its ability to convince the reader but rather its ability to keep the reader's attention. you have done that very well.
Totally agree with this as I'm sure most people would, the challenge is gettin people to maintain consciousness of this when overcome with anger and other such emotions. I think this needs to be made a compulsory code of conduct for all youtube users
Keep It RYL
Yes excellent points Derek, I actually wrote a song that is part of a new batch of songs I'm developing that deals with precisely that topic, which reminds me I have to get back to that song and polish it up and finish it
...
Very Best Regards,
George
this was very good!!
That was so nasty to send someone a ten page e-mail. Who has that much rage to waste so much time. I hope I never do that, because what goes around comes around. I remember a guy had taken pictures of me at a function I sung for. I paid him the money before he left for Atlanta Georgia. I waited and waited for the pictures. I called and called no pictures. So, I took some information from his voice mail and told him he does not speak the truth. He used the term may God bless you. I did not curse or yell, but he could tell I was serious. I looked in the mail box one day and my pictures were in the box. (smile) Now, concerning the girl with the voice mails from guys interested in her. Looking at the story wonder who looks in the mirror and can not see the real loser. People! People! People! Lest remember to respect other people.
Feelings matter. Thanks Derek...
I've always tried to live by my policy of never saying anything over the internet that I wouldn't say in person - I think I do that for the most part. But, there are those who do quite the opposite - and they do it all day, every day - to extremes that are beyond my comprehension. I've had every cheap insult you could imagine thrown at me, threats on my life, stalkers. I finallly got to the point where I do my best to post as little as possible on the internet. I've met four people through the internet - not even at dating sites, just through other forums, and three of the four turned out to be disastrous - so no more of that either - no message boards, and certainly no dating sites. I figure I'm pretty safe here, so...
I can't tell you how many times I've interpreted an email or other virtual text communication as hostile, sarcastic, etc., only to find that its intent was quite different. I'm sure we've all had the experience of taking great pains to hold back on sending a blistering response to someone and later think, "thank God I didn't send that reply..."
Derek mentions that we sometimes forget that there's a real person at a terminal at the other "end" of the conversation. But sometimes, sadly, we know perfectly well who's on the other side and we leverage this eye contactless, no-way-to-be-interrupted-while-concocting-the-ultimate-written-tirade medium to intentionally hurt someone. At least I know I have. These methods of communication are so powerful, yet so dangerous. Thanks for the lesson in compassion.
Only tangentially related to this topic, but here's some classic commentary: http://www.psy.gla.ac.uk/~barry/Wrong-on-Internet.jpg
Hello Derek
Thanks for sharing that story. It is really beautiful and amazing . When I started my website at bestbuildpc.net I always thought of being able to treat people as well as I would like to be treated. Thanks for posting that. Greetings. Orlando
The Mayans were right.
derek,welldone..and best wishes
Awesome, and we know that you truly believe this. Which is why you *always* reply to your emails personally. You value each person as a person. I always reply to my email messages as well because they are people.
Excellent read, Derek. I met my wife online, I have been online since 92, 93... it definitely lends itself to seeming anonymity. What REALLY gets me is the concept of IRL. "In Real Life." As if somehow the Internet isn't -real- real, only fake-real, lol. When I get involved in internet based projects like this one: http://zelda.sucumbio.com
it really bothers me sometimes when the project participants miss deadlines or meetings because they had things to do "IRL" as if to say -I'm- not real! Meh.
another truly great post Derek...
This is very true....People often forget that there is a real person on the other end and not just a computer.
Derek,
You're an artist, and proud of it. What makes a great artist, and probably makes up the friends a great artist hangs out with, is emotion.
The myth that's running here is that you can have good emotion without bad. If your friends on the blog want the uppers of compliments, then they're going to have the downers too. And any addiction to one without the other usually results in addictions of a different kind.
Hope this adds some value to your amazing exploration.
Thank you for seeing this topic as such an important subject to discuss in your blog. Courtesy and respect seems to be something that has been lost in people more and more these days. Most people are pretty good but still there are many that just don't think about what consequences they are causing on other people's emotions. Makes me sad when I see or hear about this. I even see a lot of this done by artists trashing other artists thinking that it will put them above them too!
Anyway, this topic is definitely worth mentioning again sometime in the future as a reminder and for those that missed it previously.
Solitoode
Lots of humans arent worth knowing however even our pet dog can turn on us, its part of being alive and living in a big world...Becoming strong to take the knocks and bites without losing compassion and inner self is the lesson i believe....
So true. Unfortunately machines prevent us to exchange our face gestures and express our thoughts or empathy in natural ways that we acquired throughout our evolution.
Only few intelligent people have the ability to cross silicon barriers and reach our soul.
Thanks for sharing. Great blog.
I had to take down my guestbook from my site, as spam took it over, but I do miss the sweet comments people left me and it always brightened an otherwise dull day. These comments made me try to brighten someone else's day when writing emails. Too bad I had to cancel my guestbook....
I agree it's not cool to blow people off like that. i have been the guy whose email got deleted by a so called perfect match, I've given up emailing women on these sites and will be deleting my profile from everyone of them soon.
Of course, the other side of this is that we often choose communication via e-channels rather than in person because we're too afraid to be as frank as we want to be.
bd
@bdunc1
Very good point! -- Derek
I work as a tech support manager after being an engineer for a number of years. I've also worked retail and in the fast food industry. This is a great post indeed. I'm generally a pretty cheerful guy, but at least a couple times a week we get a client support request that's just flat out rude and dehumanizing. Granted, they have every right to be upset, but remember the support people are here to HELP you and if you antagonize them it doesn't feel any better than if someone treated you that way.
Wow! Such a powerful piece. Reminded me when I both wrote *and* received such emails. Thank you for writing this.
These are the types of things we should read once a month or so. Even offline it is essential to remember that the person on the other end of the phone, or behind the counter is someone just like us.
yes, it's about personal relationships, which provide the most tangible happiness (more than money, more than the work itself).
derek, you should get the book "Selling the Invisible" by harry beckwith, as it addresses this very issue. i felt it was one of the best marketing books i've ever encountered. the majority of people are in a service economy, and corporate culture does best when this is clear, supported, encouraged, and embraced.
essentially, the book says that the person who answers the phone/mail/net/chat *is* the company itself, taken from the standpoint of the one who contacts them.
We can't take people too serious,
Most of them have too many issues.
We should Focus on Who WE are, and what our Mission is.
Good point Derek. In this fast paced world it's easy to forget to 'treat others the way you'd like to be treated yourself', even in the virtual world. This courtesy requires no religious belief, no spiritual enlightenment and it's absolutely free. Sometimes it seems that common sense is not that common.
Thanks for the beautiful post Derek. You truly make my world a better place to live in!
I know this was -many- comments ago, but I thought I'd mention it... the Kurt Vonnegut quote is from his book Slapstick and it goes "I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, "Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency."
I don't think he means less love in general. I've always interpreted it as a tongue-in-cheek way to say that we should treat everyone with common decency, including those who we love. Too often people (parents, children, siblings, spouses...). think if there is love anything can be forgiven.
I like the computer golden rule rada neal said above: "do unto computers as you would have them do unto you".
Very true, Derek.
It makes me think of the ignoramuses who post really silly, sweary comments on YouTube videos. The person who did the video does actually read these comments and will just delete the comment and block the poster.
Or at least, that's what I do. And I do find myself getting so annoyed with such comments — not that I get many.
Wishing I could spread this message to lots young people (some in my own family) that are unaware of how their words, either posted, twitted, apped, or spoken affect others. It isnt just the young ones who are at fault, some older people are just as guilty. When did our society become so self centered?
Oh, yeah, I am over 50 and most of the time I am invisible to people under the age of 25!
Hi Derek,
Great stuff "compassion" That's it
Best Regards
Fred May
CEO
www.intuitworldwide.com
Hello Derek, thanks for that thought-provoking read.
"It's too overwhelming to remember that at the end of every computer is a real person, a lot like you, whose birthday was last week, who has three best friends but nobody to spoon at night, and is personally affected by what you say."
How very true it is!
God bless
I thought your post was very relevant. I think the biggest problem with computer interactions is that we no longer have to look a person in the eye when we complain.
I did that same thing in the first story about 10 years ago. I felt awful, and still think about how stupid a move it was. I think your points about the issues of dehumanization in our computerized lifestyles are frank and correct. We could take it as a social commentary even further, but far outside the scope of this blog comment. Thanks for the post Derek.
This was a great post, and I have been at the end of some one's scathing reaction. I find these reactive behaviors usually come after a compilation of small events, and the poor person who's there when the dam finally breaks gets the brunt of it all. Working in a call center, I can attest to the reactions of people over the phone, and how their frustation and yelling is perfect indication of their reactive nature. I wish people would stop, think and be proactive with their issues. Instead of going off on an innocent person, determine the solution that you want and ask for it. Kind proactiveness goes a lot further than a person with a a back case of reactiveness.
Just my thoughts, and BTW, I am one of those people looking for Mr. Right, but I haven't gone on any websites. :O)
wow...such a great article...
some of us, like the President, get dumped on just 'cuz of our color....didn't say a word...just existed. But like him...we just say....'hmmmm, that's an unconscious child talking..I'm not reacting to that remark, smirk, ugly look...whatever. I will NOT let ugliness be thae 'cause' behind my 'because'
Well Derek! your first friend needs some help.- PLease help her. You are a very successful bizz-man....-
Anybody sending a 10 page angry email deserves zero response,or a nice Italian FK you!
The threats are clearly a steam-out!
Your friend investing time to go over every single thing on that email , was definitely in fear and that's a bit low self esteem response...
I mean she sounds sweet, but definitely an over giver, extra-person pleaser, and allowing others to make her their doormat.
..Sorry to sound harsh, but she needs to learn personal self-respect boundaries.
this was her chance to stand up for herself.
...The UNI (..verse) will give her more chances...
The other friend, well, calling the guys "loosers' sounds a bit of a princess and a quick judger, ...but she does not "have to" respond to anybody either.... It s "online dating". You look at a pic, read a message, take it or leave it. It s the name of the game.
It is impersonal and cold to begin with!
people-supermarket-shopping!
...I think - personally- it is warmer to pick up a guy at a bar at this point!!!! LOL!!!
..even if he is drunk...!
..there is something more honest about it!!!
LOL!
Finally, we are in a crazy fase of technology
Everything is becoming more and more impersonal. I dont like it. I go to a store and walk out and say "thank you" and 99% of the time there is no response...and I am there!!!
-
I get mad when I get a mac upgrade offer.
It s insane! I like my I-tunes as is, what else do I fk-ing need???!!!!
I love the Toyota-run-away-cars!
there is your ultimate uber-over-pumped-technology serving humanity
LOL!!!
Ciao Derek, LOVE YOUR APARTMENT!!!!!
LOL!!!
real fun and you can mack a cool monster
someone should have sent this to my ex and anyone else who thinks breaking up via text message or email is fine!
Man, I've got to say I'm impressed that any (corporate) client would have enough patience to write 10 whole pages about anything. They usually keep it down to a paragraph or two and spend the rest of the time clawing their way to the top.
PeAcE-Dave
Derek,
Thanks so much for this. I hope people REALLY "hear" this and make note in their hearts.
You are the coolest...
Bliss
great post! thank you!
Wow. Well written, Derek.
Great article! Hopefully this will help people remember who is on the other side of the screen.
found your post while i was going through delicious popular list, nice!
but it went both ways i think, some people gets numb by people responses online
others, that was just started, felt overwhelming human connections through facebook, twitter etc
both are genuine human reactions
I know it's been said so much on here already Derek, but truly, THANK YOU!!!!
What a great visual for "Seek First to Understand, Then get back to work" -Jade Handy
well.. good one.. and so true.. such things do happen in our day to day life.. that we take for granted.. with out even giving it a second thought... but then thats life, everyone has their own priority.
Wow - 300 comments! Apparently you hit an important point.
Very well written, great thought for every one of us.
Thank you!
Thanks for posting this, Derek. Beautifully written.
I want to thank you for your post I feel that sometimes we forget that it's a real person on the other end thank you for reminding me
This post is very true and something I think and hope people become more aware of.
It even gets far worse than this post, however. Remember that girl from myspace and her mother that were scattered around the news last year?
It's quite pathetic, but it's true that many people become more dehumanized once they interact on the internet.
I'm sure a reborn Frued would have his work cut out for him to tackle the personality changes and odd things "normal" people resort to on the internet.
I tell my online dating clients this ALL THE TIME. Those people sending you emails are real people, and they deserve an actual "No Thanks," not just to be left in the void wondering if you read their email.
A little action goes a long way.
Wow - thank you. It's true on both ends. I've been both the person taking the scathing email personally, and the person clicking 'delete' ... and never really connected the two. Thank you.
That was stated in the most beautiful way. Hopefully we always remember that it's an Internet of Real People, and that our interactions are no less real than those we have face to face.
In this information overloaded society we live in it is possible to feel nothing about war victims simply because it is war number x of today. It is good that we are reminded that there are humans behind that endless stream of information.
In regards to Sara, I would have told the client to stuff it where the sun don't shine. There's no way in the world I would have smoozed that ^%&$%$%$. I mean, how degrading.
And then to top it off she refunds money to this piece of trash including an extra fifty bucks!
Blows my mind. People don't ever bow down to someone who talks to you this way. I don't care who they are you don't need to put up with someone's rotten mood or crappy personality. And you certainly don't need to waste a whole day crying about it.
Throw the email or whatever in the trash and move on.
Well said, Derek, with concrete examples that hit home. It's easy to forget the obvious: We're all human, even when obscured by words printed on a Web page, an email, or a chat window. We don't wear each other's shoes enough, even when it requires only a few seconds of consideration.
Comes down to the base level the internet brings out in people. When you can hide your identity, its easy to be at one end rude,and at the other end a thief and steal the work of others ala music.
For me, I have forced myself to ignore any comment from anyone who does not have the personal character and ethics to put their real name on the comment.
My name is Paul Bailey in the real world, and Morgan Paul on stage.... full disclosure....
Thanks Derek so true
Derek,
What a superb article. I absolutely empathize with the sentiments. So true and poignant. Customers just don't realize the consequences when they send complaining e-mail to small online businesses. They assume the complaint will be handled by a salaried employee in a department who will have a degree of detachment, a complaints procedure etc.
With Sara running the business for 12 years and caring that much she probably did an exceptional job and so things will only rarely have gone wrong. So she would surprisingly inexperienced at handling complaints and so hadn't developed the necessary confidence in her method of handling it. A small percentage of customers will treat you unfairly. That's human nature. And you need to develop an approach to them which doesn't expend way too much emotional energy. It's hard lesson to learn but probably one that all businesses owners have to go through.
I had to apologized profusely to someone who requested that I add her as a facebook friend, because I addressed my welcome reply to the person as, 'Mr.' Mary (plus last name). I also sent her a link to my current song, "I'm A Cute Little Gay Boy, Inside."
First, 'she' was angry because I addressed her as 'Mr." When I explained that she had indicated on her info page that she was male, even though I thought it was unusual, I was being polite.
Secondly, she said she wasn't Gay and was greatly offended by my song. Then I explained, that my song was autobiographical and had nothing to do with her gender. (obviously, she didn't watch the video)
It took two back-and-forth comments to calm her down enough to finally receive a "Thank you" from her...then I promptly deleted
her name from my 'friends' list.
By the way, my last sentence to her was: "May God bless you and put a smile on, what I'm sure is, your lovely face." I must confess that I was being just a tinge...just a tinge...catty...but I really meant it. lol
I was actually tickled that someone could become so incensed on a mere social network...but it happens. Thanks for this article, Derek...I've been so busy, I'm way behind in catching up with 'some' of my emails.
nice point Derek x
Thanks for the article Derek.
I started my blog last November and it really makes my day when someone puts an appreciative comment up, or even just a kind word. I put so much work into it that it's really nice to know something I've written has helped someone in some way.
The opposite can be said if anyone attacks me on an emotional level. It's not bad if they attack a theory or an opinion, but when it's personal, even though it's through the web it really is personal.
Our communication with other people has become less about face to face conversations and more through technology, but I agree, we have to remember that it's still a conversation with another human being.
Thanks again,
Chad
These stories remind me something Jesus taught: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
(Matthew 7:12)
So amazing reading this.
Thank you for sharing!!
another excellent example many thanks for sharing this with us.
A really good example of how to behave even though you're just sitting at your keyboard.
Thank you for reminding us. Have a great day.
I'm trying to work on being more positive in my communication both online and off.
Ranting is seldom effective. I know that if I receive a profanity choked, insulting e-mail or message on my website I delete it ASAP. I wouldn't expect to be taken seriously or even listened to if I did the same to somebody else. Also the internet isn't as anonymous as many people believe and it's difficult if not impossible to take something regrettable back once you release it into cyberspace.
I believe that "netiquette" should be part of the English curriculum in the schools and that e-mail writing should be taught the way letter writing once was.
Good article Derek!
Harsh truth of human communication. Actually, it happens even in real life.
This is something every big-shot web designer should read!
I have been an ass lately and well this was a very very good article on of which I WILL have to learn to live by!
Thank You for awakening the Humble soldier.. I am making an online promise to be more helpful & cautious about peoples feeling online!
Norman Flecha
STRAIGHTALK
It's unfortunate that one of the negative sides to computers and the internet is the impersonality of it.
We can communicate with people who are so far away we have no hope of meeting, but because they aren't physically with us, it can be hard to remember they're real.
It's very hard to add emotion and body language to written words, especially when you come from different cultures, even ones which speak the same language. And with the busy-busy, hurry-hurry lifestyles most people lead, they don't think they have time or the need to check what they've written before "sending" it
Because most of my working life was spent using words, often to put a point across in one particular way or another, I make it a point to check that what I'm writing conveys exactly what I want it to, but I'm fortunate in that I have time to do that. I wish more poeple did.
I like this! And I especially like the cartoon about the subject!! Extremely clever!
Allison
This is truly lovely. Thanks for the inspirational thoughts.
Cartoon is terrific! And the message is very true. I was probably most sad about the online dating one - how hard is a proforma reply? Or go off the site if you have no interest - seemed pretty awful in an oftentimes cruel world...
Some thoughts on communication styles:
, ttyl. Typing in all caps is considered SHOUTING. The smiley face has become a word (or at least a character),perhaps it will make it into our alphabet? Perhaps a new language will evolve that blends symbols and letters A-Z?
I know a woman who is a social butterfly online and extremely shy offline. My brother is the exact oposite. He'll never answer an email and will never sign up for Facebook, but he is very outgoing offline.
The dating sites like your friend Valerie's are interesting because they blend online and offline interaction. I bet dating sites work best for people who are equally comfortable communicating on and offline. Valerie is comfortable deleting messages from real people wanting to conect, without a reply. I wonder how she interacts when she is approached face to face. . .
We've developed new social norms and languages online.
Examples of the impact on language: LOL,
The internet is still very new. As it evolves, so do our communciation styles. We connect in new ways because of the web. Just like in the offline world, we can hurt and abuse each other online. The internet, social media, and all the other communciation tools out there have changed the way we relate to one another. I watch the continued evolution of online and offline communication with great interest.
Love your blog, sir
I've been on the receiving end too; it sucks. You get so used to hearing from happy customers (we're lucky get a lot of sweet feedback from customers) that when a pissed-off email arrives it throws me into a weird panic mode where you over compensate and offer them the moon. In reality, email is jsut a really poor messenger a lot of the time - they weren't as annoyed as they "sounded". But emotions can only be implied from the words in the email, and I don't think we're very good at that. AFTER ALL I'M NOT REALLY SHOUTING NOW BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT, RIGHT???!!!!
Right on...Derek.
I think I was one of those guys who wrote to Valerie.
We always think about our feelings, and it seems very easy just to write without face the other one.
Happened to me today. Having a small online business is hard. People give you attitude just for THINKING about buying something.
Exactly, Thanks for the Post.
For some reason, I am disturbed by the fact that something as basic as this is a revelation to my peers.
Great Post, Thanks.
I am a software professional . I completely relate to your post. Insightful!
I am guilty of IOA [Inanimate Object Abuse]. People tend to laugh when I say that. [F#$%&*! computer!] I'm confused by their reaction. I'm serious; it's a problem. I believe IOA is practice for delivering abuse. So my theory is, stop the IOA and disrupt the whole thing before it spreads to the animate.
totally am happy about this post! was just feeling how we all need to take some moments to adjust our manners and respect to each other on the web... it's not just a pretty computer screen... it's human connections.
Thanks Derek
I like!! computers are the future!!! bringing back independence from the old machine and hand powered screwdriver way of thinking..... to a one person individual empowered thinker.... harnessing water to make electricity was one big step..... I've been studying about a knowledge working age for a while.. multimillion dollar businesses consolidating.. while the internet was just a crazy invention!!! Napster.... record stores.... to a multimillion dollar streaming service called youtube!!!!??? people still don't believe in it!! I listened to a book on CD of a book called "the world is flat not round"!!!! about 4 years ago.. if I can talk to a friend in Germany or Paris on Facebook/myspace.. like it is regular thing.... I sure am saving on my phone bill..... market swings are happening... and people are finding new ways to interact!!! and discover new things.... Wikipedia is another invention.... I have not touched a encyclopedia or dictionary in 5 years!! as for values and principals.... learning is the beginning... so as people create new pages to history replacing old tobacco lies!!! and putting actuality in a kids hands.... I feel it's a good time in history!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways.... cheers on keeping real on the internet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =) Christopher G. Hagadone
Derek, You use the internet in the way I would imagine those who conceived of it intended: as a tool for learning and connecting.
Your method is always an enjoyable read and the content seems to always arrive at just the right time.
Thanks! : )
Cat
my mom always said if you cant say something nice then dont say anything GET UP ONE more time than you fall NEVER Quit now to hear the best music in all the south and maybe north............ ALL ORIGINAL !! go to cdbaby.com put in dr tom butt try ONE OF A KIND>.....................dr tom
I always appreciate your wisdom. Thank you for the help you have given me and many others.
Great piece. How do we stay human and remember who we are?
Its a challenge.I try through my music but can get swept away with the technology
We had a problem almost exactly like Sara's here last week. In our case, we just now found out that the client has a history of mental problems and a substance abuse issue.
Learning that, plus reading this article, makes it a lot easier to cheerfully move on. Thanks, Derek!
Like Sara story, is very true. Sometimes is necessary broken paradigms for make next step on own business.
I personnaly found the story of the poor woman who was scathingly whipped into a two day bed funk appalling.
The woman who did this to your friend has no conciousness of the other, and would have made a damn navy man on an old english sailing ship when they were allowed to strap you to the mast and whip the hell out of you.
Your friend sounds astounding, and so wonderful, I hesitate to say anything about her behavior.
But here goes, Listen lovely little kitten, when that mean old Dog barks at you like a maniac, you need to do what you did. However, I would have at the end of the conversation, asked polietly, may I have an apology please? You cost me two days in bed, for what you now say is nothing. Could we at least agree that that kind of action can have more serious harm attached to it than you envisioned and that you will try very hard not to do that again, and keeping me in your memory as someone super hurt by your actions, should help you to remember not to do it again.
Because the transaction was all onesided with your lovely muffin teading water spouting apologies--I am not sure this maniac saw the harm she caused, because she kept sailing along happy--she should have at least been told of the harm she caused to someone else through her thoughtless behavior. I suspect, however, that it was not thoughtless but rather the kind of person I described above, who should have a job whipping people, because they obviously have no moral compunctions against it.
Everyone your talking to is God
Even the machines
Were are not really human beings We are spirit beings. Humanity is just a space suit. Take care of your spirit
Awesome blog Derek!
Once upon a time I had to fire a band member. She really was just plain awful to deal with and after one particularly horrible incident, the entire band voted her out. My attempts at being professionally succinct as to why were not accepted and I was subjected to numerous voice mail messages, begging, screaming, crying and insulting. Finally I cracked after some disparaging remarks she made about me got back to me. After all I had kept the reasons for her expulsion from the band a secret so as not to interfere with her future opportunities. I let her have it with both barrels - a bullet point e-mail attacking everything from her lack of skill to her lack of sanity.
She called me "cruel". It was like a bucket of ice water over my head. I had no control over her reaction to the situation, but I had control over my own actions when I wrote it and pressed that send button. I made a solemn vow to never under any circumstances lose my cool like that again.
Emotions are powerful things and we need to know and learn how to control them and not have them control us or our circumstances easier said than done at times. Emotions can teach us all valuable life lessons. Most of us on the planet will have a regret somewhere linked to an emotional decision we made. That's life!
"like"
So good, Derek. thanks for the humane reminder!
Rae
Yeah, what he said.
Beautifully put. Thank you for an excellent post. This high-tech info-world has definitely dehumanized us. We all need reminders sometimes that it's not a machine we're dealing with, but a fragile human being, just like me, on the other end.
Thank you.
I am glad that you post the real issues, but I do have one thing to say about the post on the friend that is trying the on line dating.Even though she is the type to do that there are more men scammers on line then real people.Or I may need to rephrase that, it seems like it as far as my email went. I posted my profile on line around April on several on line dating sites i felt would be appropriate for my age. I am a woman of 51 and since I do not like the bar scene or would care to meet anyone that enjoys bar hoping it is hard to date after being single for going on 4 yrs. now I decided to try online. Yes, I dated a couple of men before going on line but as with most men they had one thing only on there mind so I decided to try and meet a gentleman hopefully wanting a friendship and same interest in a relationship.What seemed to be an out flowing of statements from the heart turned into being a scam trying all they could do to get information from me and scam. When it didn't work of course they moved on and then i would find out they were removed because of scam. So, don't put your friend down too severely, maybe it's not good that she think all are losers' but she does need to be cautious, very cautious. Keep up your good blogs...
Darlene
loved the art work at the end too goes so well with the sincerity of the words - peace to you all x
How can we make the online world more personal and up-close, so
we can "feel" others, and behave
as we do face-to-face?
I like to use the phone for that reason. More emotional context
gets transmitted by phone than by email. Face-to-face is even better.
Oftentimes, I elect to check out
of a store with a clerk, not "self",in order to have the social interactions. We need to keep the human touch, using technology to speed, ease and amplify our best humanity.
Hey , thank you for this article. I have a Football coach that I may just forward this to. He sends emails to the parents of the football team and just barks out orders to us. I am sick of it and it is time for me to let him know about it. He had better not take it out on my son either.
Thanks again.
I found this article through the SquidU forums. Very inspirational to say the least. Inspiring in that we need to understand there is another person just like me (all of us) at the other end of the email, computers, etc.
Megan Kelly shared this with us at Squidoo. You have a new fan in me and I am sure in plenty of others.
It is so easy to forget that there are people with real feelings on the other side of our UI's and that just about everyone is truly doing their best based on their value set.
I also like your post on Shut Up! Announcing your plans..., this reminds me of my days with Christian mystics and we each vowed to never lose energy with speaking about a desire but to act on the desires and let the personal energy development grow. Seems like the opposite of what many in the internet marketing world preach - make yourself out to be the expert by simply saying so.
Anyway, thank you for reminding us of our humanity.
thanks! Great job.I like this blog
Do you think Debt Collectors are Aliens?
Thank you for this. I just shared it on FB as a reminder to some folks that there is a real person beyond the text they see on the screen. {{HUGS}}
Watch few videos of yours on Youtube... really awesome!!!
Great work
The stories are disgusting, really. I call it modern-day narcissism. It's everywhere and email is the weapon of choice for cowards.
Great article and great suggestions on how to get involved with others and not being so far off. Thanks!!
Hi Derek - I am one of those people at the end of the computer as my buiness is the internet! I am fortunate that my clients have yet to shout at me/the computer it forgets has me behind it! BUT I am one of those who believes in complaining and this post is a lesson in putting myself in that other person's shoes. We all no how a smile from a stranger can really perk you up and by the same virtue a complaint - whether worthy or not - can have the opposite effect. It also makes US feel good to make someone else feel good so there must be an element of complaining in a nasty way rubbing back on us. I will try to remember the human being sat in customer services next time I make a complaint and explain it is NOT personal.
Great writeup. I am a blogger myself and previously i get upset with negative comments on my blog but now i don't care much.
Nice. But you forgot the alt/title/mouseover text: "It's easier to be an asshole to words than to people."
I agree, It's very hard to remember this thing especially when you're having a bad day.