There's no place like home
2011-03-23
In Guilin China, studying Mandarin, my wife says, “We are SO far from home!”
Seems to be an obvious statement, so I was surprised I disagreed.
Why didn’t I feel far from home? It took me a while to realize:
No one place feels like home. Home is wherever I’m sleeping that night.
When people ask where I’m from, I don’t know how to answer. I’m not really from any one place.
Though I was born in California, we moved to England when I was 5. Then Chicago, and I’ve been moving around ever since. Boston, New York City, Woodstock, Portland, Santa Monica, London, Seattle.
No one place got my allegiance. They’re all home.
Because my wife was born in India, she is an “Overseas Citizen of India”. Because we’re married, I’m officially a “Person of Indian Origin”. Currently living in Singapore. Now where is home, again?
Someone once asked what I’m running from. When you sit in your kitchen, are you running from your living room? They’re all just rooms in your house. You sit in them at different times for different needs.
Imagine living a few years each in Melbourne, Reykjavík, Panama, Vienna, Cambridge, Kyoto, Kerala, Curitiba, and Jerusalem. Long enough so that each place feels like home. Eventually you can spin the globe, and feel connected to all parts.
Maybe this background keeps me from getting too attached to any one mindset.
Any time you move to a new place, you learn some new things and unlearn some others. It keeps you from feeling you’re right and others are wrong. It keeps the brain in constant circulation.
No one place feels like home.
In a parallel universe, I am resisting the need for an office by working anywhere I like. In a public library, in my home office, at a client's office, in an open university like SMU...
So where's the "Office"?
Nice post, Derek.
Now i'm planning to move to Singapore in this September to study medicine/medical system in Singapore. i've long worried about the life far away from my home country but, your essay encouraged me much! Then i'm very much interested in why you chose the place to live in Singapore!
I didn't feel at home until I moved to New York. Then, I realized I had been a New Yorker all my life, without the minor detail of living there.
It's refreshing to see this written; I am a Bangladeshi, born in London, raised in North Carolina and Pittsburgh, PA, now living in San Francisco. I was always a bit of an outsider to the traditional Bengali community, and an outsider to the western communities. And now, I speak more German than Bengali. Which has made me very adaptable and not attached to one place. I honestly struggle deciding how to answer when someone asks "where are you from?"
But I do have to say that San Francisco is a pretty good place to mingle with others of non-specific identity.
Great photo! Everyone looks like they're from a different culture, and like they are all fitting in fine.
Grew up in an air force family moving every 2-3 years. Can't get moving out of my blood. Noticed that a lot of my friends now have jobs or live lives with traveling as a main feature. Then, one day, my uncle asked me, "when you die, where would you want to be buried?" Made me think that, maybe, all this moving around is just a way to find "home."
That's a kind of geographic polygamy... Love it!
Now your living in your own world
enjoying the good side of life.
Used your energy accomplish all you
can tommorow is another day. Photo,
all are looking healthy and joyfull
Live life loud.
Totally hearing you! That's been my mantra since I started travelling with my music. Love your response to, "What are you running from?" I'm going to use that when I get the question again!
I'd rather think of it like any place can feel like home. Home is where you want it to be.
Love the perspective though!
have been working for past 3 years out of starbucks, SMU and anywhere you can plug in.
as an extravagant startup, I've rented offices before - you only end up sleeping and leaving the office to go out anyways
on the larger scheme, I still envision having a crash pad for developers to really bounce ideas, build models and scrawl on walls etc... ( a distant dream)
Isn't it hard to make lasting friendships that way, though? Maybe it's easier as an adult, but if you had kids, I imagine it would be very tough on them.
Not attached to any one mindset, but what about the people: friends, family, the people who are attached to you. Do you not in each place you depart, leave a hole (in physical presence in building of community) where you resided? Does this loss account for nothing? Are you not concerned for depth of connection and building of community that only comes from day-to-day interaction?
Derek your post really resonates with me, I agree with your position as this is how I am most comfortable living my life. Still the aforementioned questions continue to tickle the back of my brain.
Do you grapple with the devils advocate or simply dismiss the thoughts as monkey mind?
Since I've always been this way, my best friends have always been phone-friends. In-person sometimes, but our core relationship comes from our phone conversations. -- Derek
I think these digital nomads will become more and more common.
Fewer people than ever are tied to an industry in a town for life.
Fewer people than ever have their entire family in one town.
Fewer people stay in one job for life.
More work is done remotely over the Internet.
I don't want to travel, I want to live in these places, a year or less at a time.
Having a similar type of response when people ask, where are you from... Born one place, grew up in several others, moved around several times after that. It becomes a bit of a way to say - I'm at home with me and wherever I am and who I'm with.
Definitely have to keep up a lot of phone time beyond the computer screen. Must be why I do game nights and other get togethers. To get out and meet new people and stay connected with others.
I'm sure it will be a while before we cross paths again.
Great read.
"Someone once asked what I’m running from. When you sit in your kitchen, are you running from your living room? They’re all just rooms in your house. You sit in them at different times for different needs."
Damn, should have had that as a comeback when someone asked me that same question!
There is an argument for the elimination of borders.
Great perspective, as always Derek.
I want people who are important to me across the world to know that I never reject them, nor am I commenting implicitly on their life choices when I go... It's not about leaving, it's about reaching.
I'm not sure that I'm proficient enough at making this clear, sometimes. Have fun there. ---T
Home is where I can be fully myself, fully accepted, fully loved. Home is a place where I share conversations, meals, duties, hopes, disappointments. Home is where I meet my family, where I invite my friends. Home=belong. The best home is only a reflection of our true home, which is spoken of in John 14:2
When are you really going to come to Jerusalem??
So Derek, how do you eventually answer the common question: "Where are you from?"
It's the short answer people want. If they want details, I'll tell them the full story. -- Derek
After years of rebelling against the question, now I just answer “California”
I think it's terrific that you have an open mind and heart to the world, but I'm glad you aren't travelling alone anyway.
Amen
Home is where the heart is man!
Third Culture Kids are more and more common now thanks to advent of globalisation and cheaper travel.
Back to reading the 4 hour work week then
Derek,
As is so often true, I can deeply relate with your post. I, too, have never attached strongly to places. I enjoy them. I like visiting new places and exploring.
For me, what's different is that, I'm not much of a phone-person. Or was not until very recently. It seemed too impersonal or something and so friends in faraway places just didn't get to hear from me much unless it was on e-mail or FaceBook.
At the same time, I _do_ get attached to people and often it takes me years to get over my sense of loss when a person -- them or me -- moves away.
Thanks for kick-starting my nostalgia. Your blog has helped me to make a great morning for myself.
Playful blessings,
Stan
Another great one, Derek!
It's kind of difficult to relate as i've always lived in Oxford and the city just seems like home to me, but I do intend to detach and try new places!
M
Love this post. Home is definitely where the heart is!
It's impossible don't remember Wherever I may Roam, from Metallica, while reading this post. The verse "Where I lay my head is home" summarizes very well your feeling.
Polynativism is a luxury made possible by petroleum.
I've always talked about "my heart being in two places", or "having two homes" because I lives somewhere other than where I grew up. When I'm in one, I miss the other. I love them both.
I enjoyed this post.
When I read "different [places] for different needs" I think of agrarian societies where really knowing the land/climate makes a big difference. And nomadic cultures. And traveling minstrels.
Thank you for the thought provoking post which, in itself, brought me to many different places, all without leaving my living room.
"Someone once asked what I’m running from. When you sit in your kitchen, are you running from your living room?"
Beautiful
For a place to become home, you have to be intergrated somehow into the physical environment. When I toured for a year, I use to come home and in the middle of the night I would think the bathroom was to my right.
So I got to know the name of the guy down at the video store. The name of the Chinese chef at Dang Howes", I did all I could to be a part of the community. I live in Carmel, when I'm driving south on 1 from the Bay Area and I see the Monterey Bay on the right; I know I'm home and it feels like it.
Someone recently accused me of being "one of those people who have to keep moving to be happy; never satisfied with what they have".
I explained that, on the contrary, I'm happy wherever I am. In fact, I always hate to leave the place I'm in. But further adventures always await, and I don't want to miss out on them because of the ties I have to some particular piece of dirt.
yes! thank you for this. home is where i am.
I've said something similar for a while. There's no such thing as happy places, only happy people.
Sometimes people move around to try to find a happier life for themself. The things that keep us from being happy often follow us from place to place though. So it's important to focus on what, not where makes you happy.
Greetings to You,
Jan
hiDerek,somehow i knew you were going to say what you said on this subject.also glad you got an acoustic..hope its a keeper like brooklyn and our Jellyboy cat..have a great day where ever you are my friend..Vic
Home, to me, is the place where loved ones are. Spent some time in Nashville but the vast majority of my life in the uppermost parts of the Great Plains. I have to admit there's a certain Andy Griffith Mayberry feeling to them that no place can match, but opportunity is always waiting out there somewhere else.
The older I get the more I have come to believe, "Home is where the Hearth is" ... Where your at is home if you want it to be ... It seems to me we all confuse the term "Home" with "Birthplace" ...
Good Luck Derek !
Godspeed !
I agree
And also, it is a great picture!
Your post made me think of the following adage: "Those with two women lose their soul, but those with two homes lose their mind."
Then again, if no place feels like home, the mind can be saved after all.
(P.S. This is my first comment here. I enjoy this blog a lot.)
Up until a couple of years ago I shared a similar sentiment. I moved frequently as a child and continue that trend on my own. I felt, and still feel, comfortable almost anywhere. I couldn't say where I was from.
But then I found this particular part of the planet. When I come here, I feel as though this environment resonates at my frequency. As I navigate the community, I simply feel at home. I've never felt this anywhere else. Home is a physical location for which my heart now yearns.
I still can't say where I'm from. But I can now say where my home is. And that change has brought me great happiness.
Once my wife and I had traveled fairly extensively for about two years, we started to feel similarly: we can mostly feel comfortable mostly anywhere, and relatively quickly.
We say that home is where you pay your taxes.
For this very reason, a powerful business connector once taught me, it is always better to ask: "Where were you born?" and "Where did you grow up?" rather than ask "Where are you from?"
Each to their own. Whatever makes you content, fulfilled, alive.
I live 10 miles from where I was born, in a beautiful English village near an ancient English town, & I love it.
Apart from a few years living in Scotland, I've lived nearby to my birthplace for all of my 50 years, & I wouldn't have it any other way.
From that location I built a multi- million dollar business which had an office in New York.
I've travelled the world but I always love to return home to my part of England where my roots were planted the day I was born.
I don't envy you your lifestyle, I applaud you, but not for me thanks. Each to their own.
With today's technological innovations you can move from one place to another and keep the connections you have previously made alive. Just a generation ago, the postal service served this role, but it is definitely easier and more fully featured today. I think that makes it easier to feel at home where ever you are.
gratitude......for so much........and for representing us all so beautifully..............
oooooh schneaky Derek in that picture... :P
Derek, I think it's a matter of personality. As I normally say, we are wired differently. On my part, I will not feel at home away from the community I care for. I live with them, I care for them. That's me perhaps. And others too.
When you see the world and live in a few different places your definition of "normal" becomes somewhat vague too.
You can always say you are from planet Earth
20 years in Brasil (mind we moved every 2-4 years someplace), 20 years in California and now I have an offer to move to Texas. Family is not happy, but staying in one place for too long seems to make me lazy and afraid.
Being afraid is not fun, and challenge keeps one alive. I think I'm taking the offer and packing...
Home… for “homeless” people is a difficult word to define… I believe it is not a place but a state of mind.
I feel home in places I found open minded people, with whom I feel comfortable.
What amazes me most is when I meet people that, no matter their origin, culture, religion, gender is quite similar to me, for what concern opinions and expectations and this makes me think that somehow we are all connected… so, home could be any place in the world, it will only depends upon people!!
Very nice post Derek!
Reminds me of this post by Sean Bonner "Where is Home?"
http://blog.seanbonner.com/2010/05/29/where-is-home/
The idea of “home” is something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. As a kid home was where I slept and spent most of my time when not at school, but because my family moved around a lot I didn’t have any real emotional connection to it. As an adult I often tell people that it wasn’t until I moved to Los Angeles that I actually felt like I was home. I’ve talked to a lot of friends about this over the years and I get the feeling for a lot of people the idea of home is much more romanticized than anything they’ve ever actually experienced. What with “home is where the heart is” and other such slogans beaten into our heads. But even that doesn’t point so much to a place as a feeling, right? If you can feel like you are home when you are around certain people just as much as when you are in certain places then maybe home itself needs to be better defined before you can try and figure out where it is.
I think that was Bono (U2) whom said : A house still doesn't make a home .
Cool, yeah I agree. I want the world to be my home and feel comfortable too. So far I only have a few places, but am branching out this year again !!!
Cheers and thanks for sharing!
Its unfortunate people view experiencing different cultures as "running from a problem". Most of the people who wonder such a thing are most likely feeling trapped in their lives, but put on the facade of everything being great. They've got their well paying job, nice house in the suburbs, and their nice car to show their are "Successful" to the world. Deep inside though, most are unhappy and yearn for something more fulfilling.
Derek, I love what you have created for yourself and would love to live in different parts of the world for years at at time. There is no place like home, no matter how many you have.
-Adam
As someone who has lived on 6 continents, I hate that question: "What are you running from?"
My answer: "People who ask stupid questions."
billy@longandcomplicated.com
Best Regards to You Derek and you family.
I know the feeling ... I experience that on a generational level as well- my family on both sides were migrants as far back as the story goes..... also I have recently come across the ideas of Vilem Flusser who posits that migrants often feel more comfortable as being on the edge of belonging and that we make that as a choice- a choice which allows for more creative and innovative living- interesting: ) here is a link http://www.press.uillinois.edu/books/catalog/56kyc3ex9780252028175.html
I don't really call anyplace home. I suppose that's opposite of your view - that everywhere can feel like home
For those who feel a strong attachment to one place, there is a Maori word: your "turangawaewae", meaning "footstool" or "the place where you stand". Many people feel this, though not everyone; for some it's a town, or even a particular street or hill, for others it's a region or country. It's not necessarily your birthplace. Once you've found it, the feeling doesn't leave you.
You seem to be having a good time wherever you're at. Good for you.
I feel like everyplace is home and feels like home. Is that what you're trying to say? I think home is home because we are there, we make 'home'. That is assuming that you 'we' truly live in the moment and emotionally connect with our own lives and our environment. Those elements are not to be taken lightly and is probably different for everyone. I often if other people, my spouse feels and sees things the way I do. I sure hope so! Anyway, this is sounding a little serious,
hoping we are living life the way it was meant each day.
That's what I think anyway --
wish I would feel like you! But, instead, feel like if I was lost in translation...Even after 15 years overseas....
Home for me is where the people I love are otherwise anywhere is empty
Ni Hao Derek,
I am with Patty. Don't remember where I read/heard this: "home is where your heart is".
I've lived in many US states and other countries in Europe and Asia and worked with people from all over the world, literally. Home for me is where close family members are and where my close friends are. Which means I have several "homes" in this globe. Whenever I visit them, I feel "at home". And that's what counts.
Of course there many lovely places where I really enjoyed living or working, but without the close friends / family there anymore, they are just nice places, not "my homes" anymore.
P.S. Studying Mandarin is hard for me. How do you find it?
ni hao ma Derek you are living the dream, at least the one that I would hve enjoyed to live.
I travel a bit, with my wife Linda Chorney. She is the real travel bug, and one of the reasons that we are together.. just one which is an important element of LOVE, shared passions.
Music, Travel, Food, Wine, Lnadscapes, Cultural Studdies...
Peace
I love to travel. Currently I live in a place I like to go back to after going somewhere else. I can't say I call it home. I still haven't found the place I never want to leave.
Everwhere, but everywhere, is illuminated. Thanks for sharing your story. Home is awareness & people, no? Geography is the frosting.
M
Definitely refreshing to see this written. I am very transient and don't really have ties to any place. Sometimes i feel a bit wrong to not have a "home" but then again, i have travelled a lot and have seen so many beautiful places.
With technology it's certainly easier to keep in contact with people from all over the place. Also there are more opportunities to travel that were never available to the masses in our grandparent's generation.
great article, derek. i'm learning to get a little bit more comfortable with feeling like the world is my playground, my front/back yard...i have family all over and we are always close at heart, and we keep connected thru technology..nice to read the other comments..
"When you sit in your kitchen, are you running from your living room?"
No, but my refrigerator is running. (Most of the time.)
We are now anywhere, everywhere and nowhere all at once.
We need more Dereks
I mean, if more people have this multi-cultural experiences we'll perceive that we are just one really big human family.
(including temporary dramas, stupid problems, enjoyable moments and lovely cute experiences)
"To the infinity and beyond..." XD
I feel that "home" is where ever my current residence is. My job gives me the opportunity to work anywhere there is an Internet connection, which is awesome.
I do find that I always refer to the city I was born in as "home" though. I also always have a strange urge to go back there.
Awesome. I don't know how to answer that one either. Born in Colorado, back and forth to Texas, New York, Texas, New York, Colorado, Arizona and now, I've been in Slovenia, Europe the past year with my fiance, and soon, real soon, to be wife. this will make me an American who has residency in Slovenia as well as the rest of the EU.
Someone once asked me what I was running from as well. I told them, "Maybe, I'm running to something..."
been reading your stuff for years, but my first comment. Be well...
Home is where your heart is. And that can anywhere. Love your free and adventurous spirit! I've always felt that travel is the only real way to really know a place, a culture, and a group of people. It is enlightening and you are right that you can learn so much from others. I am home with my sweet daughter now. We adopted a beautiful girl from Thailand and she is the light of my life. Soon I will get back to my music and hope to travel and show her the many great places in this world.
Really interesting point of view! I have never been thinking like this. But maybe there is sense. Maybe for most of the people, home is a lot about place where their house and other stuff is.
realy there is no place in the word can replace home in my opinion it's sothing noble
Fantastic!!!!!
From Sweden. when i was 8 i moved to South Africa. When i was 12 i mved back to Sweden Stockholm. But ive always had this urge to keep moving. so when i was 15 i moved away from home (within sweden though). When i was 19 i moved to Shanghai and stayed for 2 years.
Now im moving to Japan for 6 months and then Taiwan for 6.
My plan is to live in 15 places the next 45 years.
My god this is my dream! Please Email me and gives me points and notes!!
I want to see EVERYTHING and experience every culture available!!!!!!
I haven't really stayed in a country long enough to call it home. Maybe I can have different homes when I travel more in the future.
By the way Derek, your photo looks creepy lol.