Complainers
2009-01-08
When you hear someone complaining, here's what it means:
1. They know what's wrong, but don't realize they can change it. (They think they're powerless.)
2. They know what's wrong, but are too lazy to change it. (They'd rather sit and complain.)
On the personal side, being a friend, I hate this. Because it's a lot of work to make complainers realize they can change things. They always push back with all the reasons they can't, which just reinforces the two points above.
On the business side, being an entrepreneur, I love this. Because I know I'm powerful and can change anything. Because every complaint is an opportunity. It's fun to invent solutions to problems, turn ideas to reality, and watch my creations make the world a little better.
Then afterwards, on a personal note, I can say, “There! See? Told you it could change.”
It's also human nature to respond and advise and fix things when someone complains. I do this myself when someone is telling me something they're upset about. But I have to remind myself that the most important thing to do is listen. Because there is value to just getting something off your chest, and having a friend respond, "Yeah, they're bastards," rather than "Hmmm, what have you done to put yourself in this place?" There's a time for fixing but before that there's a time for listening.
So, my only complaint here is that AS USUAL it's another insightful blog, so I have nothing to complain about! ;)
On the serious side, as a parent, I always said to my kid, "If you're going to complain about it you must also think of one possible remedy...even if it involves a magic wand." This was my attempt to try to instill the "be part of the solution" mentality...
Two great points to keep in mind, thanks!
Nice...
I believe after working with numerous consistent complainers that the issue is biological and possibly genetic. My conclusion is based on my mother, a skilled complainer. She is the "Queen of ALL complainers".
nice writeup on complainers. i once heard a speaker give the example of a moaning dog..it goes...
Once upon a time, there was a dog sitting on the sidewalk and moaning with pain. A passerby asks the person standing next to the dog "Do you know why it's moaning?". The person says "It's sitting on a nail, that's why". Passerby says " Why can't he just get up and go someplace else". The person says, "Well it's not paining enough that it wants to get up and walk away"
I wonder among the 2 kinds of complainers, if one is more prevalent than the other.
Very good observation but there is a third type of complainer: the one who really doesn't know what's wrong.
If type number 3 does learn something and doesn't respond, then he may become one of the other types.
A person must desire a change, then decide to change, then follow it up with proper action. Then good results will follow.
Like the old BASIC language's "if then".
VERY good point, Robert! - Derek
Sometimes complaining in itself is a way to flush out the answers or solutions. Its a form a brainstorming. Its sometimes how we get to the heart of the matter.
Did anybody ever see Dom Jolly's Complainers? The TV show in the UK. It was a series about how in Britain we basically don't complain enough. He did these hidden-camera wind ups to see how long people would take to complain about something really irritating. EG: an annoying couple in a restuarant acting very immature or somebody messing about at an ATM machine with a queue behind her. Typically it was someone American who got up and said something.
I couldn't believe he was suggesting us Brits should be more like Americans (if only in that one sense). I'd say we should try to be LESS like them.
Oh, no offense or anything. Every culture should stay true to itself. If it's not British nature to complain, we shouldn't try to be like the candidly loudmouthed Americans, should we?
Whatever. I hate to see Americanisation around the world, that's all. No offense to any Americans intended... But I'm sure one will complain
AJT
AJT:
- Derek
I think that example you gave perhaps highlighted the 'proactive' nature of the american culture. Americans are also known for being 'loud'. Or on the other hand, the very socially conscious nature of the British culture. The British are known in this country for being 'whingers' but not 'loud' like americans. Being in Australia I hope to have a fairly middle viewpoint on both cultures.
In time I think these cultural biases are being ironed out due to increased travel and media sharing (aka TV)
It is human nature, to make sounds when experiencing pain, as it informs others in the group of a dangerous area or thing or activity.
I agree though, complaining is often useless beyond the initial expression, and often represents laziness hidden as laments of impotency.
"laments of impotency" - Nice phrase!
"every complaint is an opportunity. It’s fun to invent solutions to problems, turn ideas to reality, and watch my creations make the world a little better."
This quote reminds me so much of the process of songwriting. Each problem we encounter while writing music is an opportunity to make the song better. I suppose the concept applies to any creative endeavor, including creating a life. Thanks (again) for your wisdom - I appreciate the positive outlook!
Lynda
As an entrepreneur complainers outside of your company are okay b/c it allows you to create a product or service to fit their need. This presents new challenges and opportunities for profit.
Complainers inside your company? Get 'em out.
Don´t complain.Who complains? The blind beggar in you. When you complain, you dance in the mire of ignorance-condition.
When you don´t complain, all the conditions of the world are at your
feet and God gives you a new name: Aspiration. Aspiration is the supreme wealth in the world of light and delight.
Be happy.
When you are happy, you and God command each other. God commands you lovingly. You command God hastily. When you are unhappy, the hostile forces command you ruthlessly, Doubt commands you openly, bondage commands you triumphantly and fear commands you unconditionally.
So...BE HAPPY!
C.K.G
Seeing complaints as an opportunity - that's a new aspect.
Was a bit tired of helping complainers to realize that they have an opportunity.
I was at the point where I thought that some people simply need complaining and are not really interested in change.
I miss the complaining sometimes as in no one in LA complained nearly enough about @#@#'ing Bush yet when I went back to NYC in October 2008, all people did was complain.
What I notice in LA is that none of my "successful" friends complain.
Or, more to it, my most successful friends do not complain.
Like Derek.
Coincidence?
I think not.
Complaining does attract more complainers so unless you're complaining and gonna do something about it (traffic sucks in LA - can we get a petition going to get more traffic cops or mass transit) that sort of thing, there's no point. Just wasted energy.
The first step towards having the change is often making the complaint. This is constructive... you're making your feelings known and letting people know that you're not happy with the situation.
3)They know what's wrong and need to vocalize it while dreaming up ways to fix it. This could include getting input from others.
Or they think the person they are complaining to can fix it hmmm?
Great point! Then that'd be good, from a business point of view! -- Derek
Being British I like a good complain, it can be very productive in letting off steam and give you an insight in where the true nature of a problem lies.
I know you're attempting to be inspirational, Derek, but there are many, many things that one person cannot change. Finding the serenity to accept that is a better route to contentment than wasting your opportunity to enjoy your life by spending it trying to achieve the impossible
this is why I'm now a solo artist
AJT:
Paradoxically, I think the Dom Joly "Brits should complain more" argument actually backs up Derek's original point - because in those scenarios (a restaurant or an ATM queue) the act of complaining *out loud* is itself the decisive action towards solving the problem. It's the British style of complaining (i.e. tutting and rolling your eyes, but not actually doing anything about it) which Derek is rightly rallying against...
So, you can't be a complainer and someone who finds a way to make changes for the better at the same time... is that what you're saying?
It looks as if you're also saying that complainers are either thick (that's "dumb" in American) or lazy...
It's okay to use complaining as a starting point.
Complaining as a lifestyle is another story.
Another insightful step on the toes. Thanks for the post and reminder!
believe me-if you ever experience a kidney stone, you will complain !!!
That's awesome, and I think you're right. Things may not always turn out exactly as we want them to, but we still have a choice in our attitude. We can still make the decision to change.
The complainers I encounter most often don't really fall into either of the two categories. Rather, they know what's wrong and want to talk about it because they think it's a way to gain a sympathetic ear. They have no desire or intention to improve the situation because they would lose the attention they've gained. It reminds me of little children who, when unable to get attention from their parents, resort to naughty behavior because it's the only way people will pay attention to them. They aren't lazy; in fact, I think it must take a lot of effort to be so negative all the time!
For me, as a "fixer," I've always imposed the rule for myself that I'm not allowed to complain about something unless I'm also simultaneously working on a way to change it. I wish I had your patience to better aid those who complain!
I'm not very good at turning complaints into solutions. But I'm great at turning them into songs.
I have a housemate who complains not only about people at work, but about people she doesn't know about. She comes home in the evening and begins this monologue that goes on for at least 20 minutes about coworkers or clients or bosses and then it is celebrities or people in the news. I don't get why she does it. I think she feels better when she complains. It's like she is climbing to the top of the heap--that she is better than everyone she complains about. But I feel worse listening to her. Up until the time she gets home I generally have had a decent day, but when she gets started I feel my evening being ruined.
Chronic complainers are SELFISH! They suck all vitality and happiness out of others. We should tape record them and play it back to them so they can hear how negative and petty they sound. I'm not talking about people who are having a difficult time in their lives, I am talking about people who make a hobby of bitching.
okay I am done complaining. Whew! Now back to being my positive self. Someone can now complain about my complaining to someone else. LOL!
The first comment on this, by Alex Webber, is so true - just listening really helps! Giving people space to get something off their chest by raelly hearing what they have to say is sometimes all it takes for that person to then realise what they have to do to solve the problem. That's part of Miller and Rollnick's Motivational Interviewing!
"It's fun to invent solutions to problems, turn ideas into reality...." That whole paragraph is inspiring. I might read it every day for a while. Nice that you're energetic enough to type it up for us.
Gen
I LOVE this! If I catch myself wanting to complain then I know I am doing something wrong. It's a good self check.
(I also once, many years ago, had a complaining boyfriend and it's just so boring to listen to, especially when they don't do anything about the thing they're complaining about).
To complain is to suffer. And suffering is what happens when, instead of doing something about it, you dramaqueenize yor pain!
Nice post!
Nice post, clear and to the point. Thanks for sharing Derek.
Derek.
Succinctly true. As always. Thank you for this.
Well said.
~Stefan
Sometimes the change necessary is to avoid the messy situation, drop a friend, move, switch jobs etc, instead of fixing the root problem. Some changes are way too big for any one individual.
I hate that people talk on their cell phones and text and drive but they do. How do I change/fix that?
Only you are in control of what bothers you. So just stop hating it. -- Derek
This goes along very well with the idea of #positivember
http://programmingtour.blogspot.com/2010/11/positivember.html
Nice one, Derek.
I love ideas like this as they reinforces a negative attitude against doing something negative - in other words, when I want to complain now I just feel like i'm being lazy or not considering that I can change something.
Good work, and keep it coming!
M
I would be interested in seeing this post fleshed out with specific examples. What counts as complaining? Should anybody who makes a negative observation be lumped with chronic/compulsive complainers? Is it possible to complain *and* do something about the thing one is complaining about? Can the complaining itself sometimes be that very thing?
You can't really change everything that bothers you, can you?
But complaining could be a start (if it's something you can do something about).
Spoken by a very wise man
So true! I've thought about this a lot and actually blogged about it as well. It’s easier to find fault and complain than it is to think of a solution. This is magnified when it comes to change. People don't like change and will think of a million reasons why something can't happen, when in fact those are just obstacles that can be overcome with some creative forward thinking. People that are successful in life are creative forward thinkers. Who would you rather have as a friend? Who would you rather have on your team or working for you? Anytime there is a challenge or change we should embrace it as a chance to come up with a creative solution and stand out!
Again -- examples and anecdotes would be appreciated. I see lots of generalities here.
I can think of three people I've known who were chronic complainers at some point during the time I knew them. In all cases the complaints were about how they were treated by other people. I didn't give too much thought to how they could have solved their own problems. Maybe I should have tried.
Are we talking about complaints like that? About the political system? The school system? The bad food in the cafeteria? Our teenagers' hygiene habits?
Maybe there should be a site called complaintsandwhatyoucandoaboutthem.com. I think it would be instructive to offer constructive suggestions to the complainers.
Among some of the most calm cool and collective folks are previous chronic complainers.
Sometimes the best people were at one time also the worst.
Derek, I love your posts, but I really have a problem with this one!
Sometimes people really are powerless. Sometimes life really is unfair. Yes, we probably should be trying to just "get on with it", but to imply that people can always change things is to imply that if people aren't changing their situation it's somehow because of their lack of effort.
Another case. Sometimes there's a problem and you're trying to make people aware that there's a problem, but they don't believe it and thus see you as just complaining.
I lived most of my life with a health problem that people didn't believe and thus I was always treated me as just complaining about something that didn't exist. I wasn't complaining, I was trying to get help for it, but people treat it as complaining. (It was only a few years ago that I finally got a correct diagnosis - things have been improving since).
A lot of the time people just want to be heard, have some sympathy.
Not every complaint is a problem to be solved.
just curious... this post is very insightful. wondering how it might apply to your complaints about Steve Jobs?
Oh shit, are you taking about me?
Dude, I have spent more hours complaining to you than anyone else. Perhaps you can repeat the above rules next time I do it.
T.
There's nothing wrong with complaining if you eventually do something about it. For some the complaining begins the problem solving process.